Uncategorized

Thank you for reading!

I started this blog just over a month ago on June 20th. I was fearful of it at first, of sharing my feelings and experiences so openly, but it has been therapeutic and cathartic for me. Today, I achieved 200 likes and 50 followers!! Thank you to all for reading and for your support. ❤️❤️❤️

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Books, Mental Health, Movies, Music, Poetry, Random, Uncategorized

Taking Requests

In an effort to improve my writing and get outside of my comfort zone and explore, I thought it would be fun to take requests from the audience. I’ll try my best to write on your selected topics or put words to pieces of art, in addition to the sporadically scheduled program. So let me know if:

1. You have a movie you want me to watch and review, e.g, see Movie Depth: Moonrise Kingdom (2012).

2. You have a book you want me to read and review. (I haven’t done one yet.)

3. You have a topic you want me to pen a poem or random thoughts about, e.g, Trust and Toxicity.

4. You have a piece of art that you want me to write a poem for (ekphrastic poetry), e.g. see Time/Awake, Part 6/Collaboration, Part 2

5. You have a song you want me to listen to and dissect, e.g. Song Depth: Heroin

6. You want any feedback on anything related to my personal mental health journey, e.g. D-Day.

Should be fun!

Poetry

Time/Awake, Part 6/Collaboration, Part 2

Borrowed this photo from eMAGINE for her post Season Finale. The photo spoke to me; it shows us what happens when we spend out time waiting on others. I wrote a similar poem a couple years ago for a piece called Chess (Right) by Xiong Xuan (excerpt of same poem at link).

*****

Once upon a time
Not so long ago really
That’s just how stories begin
We found each other
And were so enchanted
We looked forward in time
Saw all the possibilities
And with our hearts beating
In time together
We were galvanized into action
Accompanied by seemingly endless time
Now, wait, hold on
I thought…
I thought you were with me
Time is of the essence
But you are wasting time
Looking at the time
Ironically considering
all you have to do
all you have to do
all you have to do
If you could focus on my face
See the zest and vigor
And be so motivated again
Stop focusing on that face
Watching the hands going by
The hands go by
The hands go by
Don’t see me wringing my hands at you
I’m leaving, though
Time and I have things to do
Spread joy and love here
Some chaos there
Except… Wait…
I see my feet in the same place they were
I’ve been watching you
Watching the time
And in that time
you left me behind
In a place that time forgot
Wondering at the waste
Wondering at the loss
Now I realize that all this time
I was never supposed to go with you
Perhaps you knew
And were waiting for the right time
To leave me
You small-time crook
Walked off with my heart
Left memories
Now I’m watching you
Thinking on the time that was
whispering by on the wind
Tick, tock
Tick, tock
Tick, tick, tick
I was not listening
Not watching the interminable hands
Because I was following with you
Like Alice down the rabbit hole
Dreaming
Now, suddenly, I have all the time
But these hands don’t know which way to move…
Sometimes we try to recreate our pastimes
In our present
But it’s not what the future intended
Only time will tell that
Oh, the times…
They are changing

Poetry, Random

Pursuit

I am trying to describe
An empty space in my soul
Looking for the words
In the empty space in my head
The words tease
One moment, there
Vivid
Next moment, gone
I failed to grasp them
Like ash in the wind
They have dissipated
The faint grey left behind
Snaking through brain tendrils
Is the only evidence
Of synapses firing
Silent
Then off again
Pieces of sentences
Hiding
In mind’s dusty corners
The Hours
Staring into space trying to catch…
There is ironic enjoyment in the pursuit
After beautiful, unspoken things
Secrets that want to be told
The Words
A blessing and a curse
Longing after form and coherence
To share musings with you fine people
Chasing like I am faced with
Blank pages
For a high school English essay
On a topic I do not care about…
the
words
stop

Random

Sunshine Blogger Award Nomination

A huge thank you to DM (@dkmr20), author of Pointless Overthinking, for the nomination! It is certainly an honor.

The Rules:
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you in your blog post and a link back to the blog.
2. Answering 11 questions that the Blogger asked you.
3. Nominate 11 new bloggers to receive the awards and write them 11 questions.
4. List the rules and display the Sunshine blogger award logo in your post on your blog.

My Answers:

  1. What phrase would you use to describe your future?

A Hopeful Outlook. I was just recently discharged from a behavioral health facility after six weeks of intensive outpatient therapy. I’ve done therapy for depression and anxiety of and on for about 12 years. While I will continue individual therapy on an as-needed basis, this was the first time I had completed therapy feeling like I had accomplished something and that I had made actual progress in my thoughts and coping skills. For the first time, I am really understanding myself and those around me and look at the future positively. I am hopeful that good things will come.

2. Which movie had the biggest impact on you?

Interstellar, directed by the incomparable Christopher Nolan. I love all of his movies, in general, because they delve past the action and into the human psyche. I am a bit of a sc-fi nerd – love Star Trek. Interstellar combined sci-fi and human psyche to teach lessons about human relationships, thinking, and actions. It teaches us that no matter what the world is like, love transcends everything. I was very emotional at the end. Plus, it brought us another great soundtrack from Hans Zimmer.

3. From all the things you do on a daily basis, which ones do you love the most and why?

Listening to music. I’m listening to it as I type. It’s great as background noise while working or driving. It helps me focus. It  helps me wake up. It helps me sleep. Or, sometimes, it’s useful to fit individual moods. There is music for every feeling, with or without words. It is a secondary form of expression.

4. What are you addicted of?

I’d have to go with music again. My mom says I would move in the womb when music was played, which was probably prophetic of my love for it. Music is a constant and I love all varieties. If someone told me I couldn’t have it, I do not know how I would function on a daily basis. My playlist is a surprise; I have everything from Enya to Eminem.

5. What would you change about yourself?

I went through a weight loss effort where I managed to shed 93 of 130 pounds that I had gained after college. Then, the scale started going in the wrong direction. I’d like to reach my weight loss goal.

6. What do you do to relax?

You guessed it! I listen to music! I also will read a book or watch a movie. Typically, my movie selection for relaxing will be something DC/Marvel/Star Trek/sci-fi related, but I love movies in general.

7. If you have unlimited money, what would you buy and why?

A small, but tasteful home in a semi-secluded area, with a vintage/antique decor. In it, I would also buy devices that could hold my large collection of music because I am constantly running out of space/memory. Then, I would buy every song I’ve ever heard and loved and/or that has touched my soul.

8. If you could make a movie about anything, what would that movie be about and why?

I enjoy movies that get into the mind. Likely, I’d like to do something semi-autobiographical about how debilitating mental illness can be and what the internal and external contributing factors can be. I would also get into how recovery is possible. Might be a tear-jerker.

9. What’s your biggest fear?

Failure.

10. What’s your biggest wish?

That I continue on the journey to self-acceptance and recognition of my own self-worth. This would help me understand that failure IS an option; mistakes are inevitable. But, we learn from our failures and mistakes and become better people for them.

11. What word would you use to describe yourself?

Sunshine. In part, it is because a lot of people call me that, both strangers and friends, because they say that’s what they feel and see in my aura. I also love the color yellow, which is pure sunshine in of itself. My nickname is Summer, so maybe I was fated to be  sunshine in people’s eyes. I also just feel better, physically and mentally, when the sun is out. I feel excited about the day.

My Nominations:

  1. Dread Poets Sobriety
  2. Caliath
  3. Almandyne
  4. alygeorges
  5. The Bipolar Writer
  6. joypassiondesire
  7. Utsav Raj
  8. Frank Solanki
  9. Hemendra Dibaakor
  10. Shiny Objects
  11. At the Intersection

My Questions:

  1. What is your favorite song and why?
  2. What made you start blogging?
  3. What emotions fuel your writing?
  4. What was an instance in which writing was therapeutic for you?
  5. If you had one wish, what would it be?
  6. What is your favorite movie and why?
  7. Star Trek or Star Wars and why?
  8. What are your hobbies/interests?
  9. What makes you tic, lights a fire under you?
  10. What is one thing you could not live without?
  11. Who makes up your support system?
Poetry, Random

The Words Escape Me

The words won’t come to me in any cohesive manner. It’s a difficult place to be in – to want to write, to want to express myself, but not be able to form an article, a poem, anything. Yet, ironically, there are many words floating around in my head, more than I can handle. I’m wishing for my mind to settle. So, here I am writing about how I can’t write.

The words escape me
They evade me
They are in my head
Deep in my soul
I want to release them
I want them without
No longer within
But, they won’t leave
Won’t stick to paper
So, here I am
Full of words that won’t let go
Giving substance to the voices in my head
Damn it

Books, Movies, Poetry

Love at First Sight?

Feedback welcome.

*****

I don’t believe in love at first sight
I might not even believe in true love
As Vulcan lore would tell you,
“It is not logical.”
Those butterflies I think I get when I see you
Are probably from that coffee I drank earlier
Or I might just be hungry
That wide eyed look?
I’m just trying to stay awake
Not trip on my own feet
Those times I hug you tight…
Well, who doesn’t like a good hug?
It’s actually a courtesy I do you
That moment I touched your face
I swear I saw some lint there
I only kept my hand on your thigh
To stop your nervous twitching
Let you know the night was going well
Our first kiss?
Ha, I maintain that you kissed me
I did not kiss you that time
Or the second…
Or the third…
That tingle I got after
Was just a chill from the night air
And who doesn’t feel giddy
After a few shots of good whiskey
In a nerd bar watching Jurassic Park
The day after First Contact Day.
We agreed to just be friends
I told myself not to let you under my skin
It’s not love I’m feeling in my bones
Just on An Unexpected Adventure
Like Bilbo or Frodo or Sam
I’ll return to the comfort of the Shire
Without you, of course
Because adventures have to end
I’ll be forever changed, though
I will think of you
Not because I could’ve loved you
But because on the day we met
I lost my yellow sunglasses
Not distracted holding your hand
Just careless
And you made a ridiculous joke
About being easy like Sunday morning
And I laughed
And that night, I smiled in sleep

Poetry, Random

Hey, sunshine…

Decided to create a blog because 1) I can, 2) it’s an opportunity to get my writing in a public forum, and 3) I’m running out of space in my head. So, for starters, here’s a poem I wrote a couple weeks ago.

******

Tucked away in my closet
There are boxes, inconspicuous

The first is labeled “Things”
My old graphing calculator
Other dusty, miscellaneous nothings
Shall I call it my metaphorical attic?
Safe are the items I thought I’d need again
The things I thought I might want later
But have forgotten I possess

Next is the one with “Stuff”
“Feel better, buddy,” on an old ziplock bag
The scent of Snickerdoodles long gone
Remember that time I was in the paper?
Old laughs, randomness, and stupidity
The stuff that I was gifted long ago
That the givers do not remember

Then, there’s the “Ideas” box
It contains all the cut out recipes
For things I forgot I wanted to make
Oh, you thought it held my eurekas?
No, nothing so special as that
Only the ideas I did not acknowledge
The magic I have suppressed

Lastly is my box of “Secrets”
Journals and notes I’ve written to myself
About Versailles, lost loves, people I once knew
How many poems have I not finished?
Scribbles, fantasies, and incomplete stories
Secrets bled from my veins into words
That no one will ever read

They have one commonality, those boxes
Stifled by lids, reserved for silence
In the empty spaces unfilled by trinkets
Listen! Can you hear the whispers of the past?
There are ghosts fighting to be free
Intermixed with the future I fear
The intangible me I cannot let anyone see

Under years-bred layers of lint
Born of trepidation and negligence
The things and stuff I cannot let go of
The ideas and secrets I cannot tell
A glimmer of my hidden heart
I beg you! Unearth me! Open me!
Let loose my passion, my authentic soul

Tucked away in my closet
There are boxes, inconspicuous
Tucked away in my closet is me

******

Hello, world. Nice to meet you.