Random

Thinking…

Did your heart ever tell you that something was not quite over, that it would eventually be infinitely better, no matter how bleak and dim it seems?

Or is it that nieve, wishful thinking? Another case of not letting go?

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Random

Time for a Change

It’s time to do something, make a change, go in a different direction… What should I do? Where should I go? What is my less travelled road?

What would you do? Where would you go? Share.

Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Books, Mental Health, Movies, Music, Poetry, Random, Uncategorized

Taking Requests

In an effort to improve my writing and get outside of my comfort zone and explore, I thought it would be fun to take requests from the audience. I’ll try my best to write on your selected topics or put words to pieces of art, in addition to the sporadically scheduled program. So let me know if:

1. You have a movie you want me to watch and review, e.g, see Movie Depth: Moonrise Kingdom (2012).

2. You have a book you want me to read and review. (I haven’t done one yet.)

3. You have a topic you want me to pen a poem or random thoughts about, e.g, Trust and Toxicity.

4. You have a piece of art that you want me to write a poem for (ekphrastic poetry), e.g. see Time/Awake, Part 6/Collaboration, Part 2

5. You have a song you want me to listen to and dissect, e.g. Song Depth: Heroin

6. You want any feedback on anything related to my personal mental health journey, e.g. D-Day.

Should be fun!

Mental Health, Poetry

Little Girl/Awake, Part 5/Collaboration, Part 1

Borrowed this photo from OraforLife for her poem The Locked Up Soul. Posting a poem I wrote that both her poem and photo reminded me of. Thank you, Ora! Hope you enjoy. 🙂

*****

Quite by accident one day
I was sitting on a bench alone
Staring into nothingness
Seemingly content
Then came this little girl
A familiar girl
She sat beside me
Prim and proper
Soft dark skin
Deep brown eyes
An angel almost
And in her presence
My soul felt more tattered
Then the clothes I was wearing
So I tried to ignore her
No
She tugged at my sleeve
I thought it would come off in her tiny hand
She posed her questions
“What is love?” she asked
Didn’t look at her.
“Love is waste,” I said
“Worthless, painful, never love.”
“What is hate?”
“Hate is the only true emotion.
What forces you to soldier on
What keeps you alive.”
“And what is life?”
I cringe.
“Life. Life is a trial.
It is agony.
It is blood outpoured
And never regained.
It is broken hearts and dreams.
Life is being here and dying.
Nothing more.”
When I finished
She was silent
I finally brought myself to look at her
To look deep into her eyes
There was sweetness there
There was hope
There was innocence
Would I destroy her
Wit the bitterness within me?
How could I speak these words?
How could I let her think these things?
And so I took her in my arms
And took her tiny hand
Held it tight
“Let me try this again,” I said
“Love is a splendid feeling
That should be given and felt
And though sometimes it hurts
We never give up on it
Hate is for the lost
Those who gave up on love
And so they choose anger
Life is not just what you see
It is only what you make it
So choose a path
Never look back
Do not be ashamed of it.”
When I finished
Her eyes were shining
She smiled
I looked at this child
This girl I used to be
The one who lives in me
I realized I had forgotten all I told her
I had forgotten what life could be
Forgotten happiness
I had only allowed myself to know
My rancid inner soul
No more
So I took her in my arms
Hugged her
Squeezed her
Until she was no longer there
Until I only held myself
I stood up then
With renewed spirit
A young girl’s hope
And a lust of long ago
I chose a path
A brand new road
I will not look back
I will not find shame

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 4

My dreams, they gotta kiss me, ’cause I don’t get sleep, no.

I actually got a fair amount of sleep tonight/this morning. I dreamed that I had been robbed at gunpoint, that people around me lacked sympathy for it; that I was being forced to embrace a religion I didn’t care about; and that one of my parents suggested I give up engineering to become a dentist. Our subconscious mind… It’s out of control. Now, I’m choosing to be awake because I don’t want to dream anymore. Sleep had given me far too much to think about.

*****

The mind will let go
Willfully and with resolve
Longing to be purged
It finds the narrow path
Pushing doggedly forward
To some sort of sanity
Or so it would like to believe
The heart tries to move on
Wistfully and with longing
It is a bit cowardly
It knows better though
And attempts to mimic the mind
Only thing it takes
Are its own broken pieces
And a memory… Or two…
In comes the subconscious!
The cocky snit
Knows it can’t be controlled
Sneaks into our speech
Turns reason irrational
Wreaks havoc on dreams
So even in sleep there is no peace
Even the hand twitches towards… Something…
Teases and tortures mind and heart
With what they’ve been trying to forget
Perhaps vengeful because it remembers all
Maybe not cocky…
Maybe lonely…
Abandoned
It brings the pieces of the soul back together
No longer separated by a strange harmony
Dissonant together

Love, Mental Health, Relationships

Trust and Toxicity

What is it that makes us hold on to the people that are the absolute worst, the most toxic to our lives, just plain no good for us?

Consider my own personal experiences. I connect with very few people. So, when I do, I’m ALL IN. I don’t know how else to be. Usually, the people I connect with are the same. Then the red flags start getting thrown. But, I say, “Oh, it’ll be ok,” or “I can’t judge. I have the same issues,” or “No one is perfect. I have to accept some faults.” I keep saying this until I have been brutally and deeply hurt and that person has abandoned me. I keep saying this while my rational mind tells me to let go but my irrational one tells me that their bullshit shouldn’t dictate my actions and I should continue to be a good friend. I keep telling myself this long past what is healthy and sensible. And after I finally let go, I still struggle to stay away because, as I said, I don’t know how to go all in.

I’ve realized what my personality type is and how I approach friendships and relationships with friends or family will probably not change. This means that I will take disappointments hard and I need my time to grieve after each failed attempt. That’s ok. But, I still haven’t figured out when to start that grieving process at a suitable point in time. I haven’t figured out when to kick a toxic person out on their ass.

Ironically, though, I’ll be ready to kick out a good person. Take this for instance. One of my friends misinterpreted something I said. Rather, she chose to do so because she was in a bad mood and had had a trying previous few days. She reprimanded me 1) unnecessarily, and 2) in front of a group of people. My initial reaction was, “What the f**k was that?” I started thinking to myself I have to pull away, I’ve gotten to close to this person, they’re going to hurt me, we can be cordial, but we can’t be close friends. Then, I did what I often do not do in this situation. I stepped back and relaxed. I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad. The next morning, I told her I understood her frustrations and I forgave her. She was very apologetic. This was progress for me and I thought I had moved on. We hung out a few days later. I realized that I was holding back things I had planned to share (I had just had a breakthrough in group therapy). It took me a couple hours to tell myself to chill out and trust her. She had already apologized several more times during the day. I shared what was on my mind and I felt better. Later, she thanked me for not divorcing her as a friend. But, honestly, there was no reason to. A couple years ago, though, I wouldn’t have been able to get through such a situation nearly so quickly.

I realized that the toxic people that I have kept in my life, the ones that I still feel emotionally attached to, have made me afraid to trust the decent people that come my way. So, I’m more likely to push them away out of fear that they will hurt or leave me and instead stay with the people who DO hurt and leave me, thinking I can fix them. This is my safe place. But, really, it isn’t safe, is it? These actions also keep my depression and anxiety at a high.  I’ve realized that, while it might make me a little sad and restless, it’s healthier for me to have an evening home alone, then continue in relationships with people that are just complete shit. It’s a struggle, though!! Fortunately, this aspect of my life is a work in progress.

What’s your experience? Share with me?

Random

Awake, Part 3

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

Not my friend, really, though. Simply an acquaintance I have become very familiar with. I’ve spent many a moment staring into it’s soul depths while my mind tries to navigate self-induced traps and do-loops that have created a maze of madness and I’m lost in the hedges which is making my anxiety increase and I’m becoming one with the darkness around me instead of embracing the dark behind my eyelids and damn it, now I’m not drowsy anymore, but totally AWAKE! Stop. Breath. Isn’t that what the night can be like? One long run-on sentence?

Hello, darkness. How are you this night? We’re both here. Might as well get to know each other some more. Wrap me in your tendrils. Embrace what sleep and sheep reject.

Poetry, Random

Pursuit

I am trying to describe
An empty space in my soul
Looking for the words
In the empty space in my head
The words tease
One moment, there
Vivid
Next moment, gone
I failed to grasp them
Like ash in the wind
They have dissipated
The faint grey left behind
Snaking through brain tendrils
Is the only evidence
Of synapses firing
Silent
Then off again
Pieces of sentences
Hiding
In mind’s dusty corners
The Hours
Staring into space trying to catch…
There is ironic enjoyment in the pursuit
After beautiful, unspoken things
Secrets that want to be told
The Words
A blessing and a curse
Longing after form and coherence
To share musings with you fine people
Chasing like I am faced with
Blank pages
For a high school English essay
On a topic I do not care about…
the
words
stop

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 2

It would seem that I’ve been stricken with a bout of insomnia. Here’s a poem I wrote another years past night when sleep evaded me.

*****

Dreaming

I wish I could not dream
Maybe then
I could forget my own mind
Forget the buried things
Or so I thought they were
The dreams are like spiders
Trolling through dust
Pulling back cobwebs
Until they catch the prey
That is my restless heart
Wrapped up in forgotten things
I can not free myself
From the memories
I have no choice
but to succumb to fate
Then maybe I will sleep