Random

Sunshine Blogger Award Nomination

A huge thank you to DM (@dkmr20), author of Pointless Overthinking, for the nomination! It is certainly an honor.

The Rules:
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you in your blog post and a link back to the blog.
2. Answering 11 questions that the Blogger asked you.
3. Nominate 11 new bloggers to receive the awards and write them 11 questions.
4. List the rules and display the Sunshine blogger award logo in your post on your blog.

My Answers:

  1. What phrase would you use to describe your future?

A Hopeful Outlook. I was just recently discharged from a behavioral health facility after six weeks of intensive outpatient therapy. I’ve done therapy for depression and anxiety of and on for about 12 years. While I will continue individual therapy on an as-needed basis, this was the first time I had completed therapy feeling like I had accomplished something and that I had made actual progress in my thoughts and coping skills. For the first time, I am really understanding myself and those around me and look at the future positively. I am hopeful that good things will come.

2. Which movie had the biggest impact on you?

Interstellar, directed by the incomparable Christopher Nolan. I love all of his movies, in general, because they delve past the action and into the human psyche. I am a bit of a sc-fi nerd – love Star Trek. Interstellar combined sci-fi and human psyche to teach lessons about human relationships, thinking, and actions. It teaches us that no matter what the world is like, love transcends everything. I was very emotional at the end. Plus, it brought us another great soundtrack from Hans Zimmer.

3. From all the things you do on a daily basis, which ones do you love the most and why?

Listening to music. I’m listening to it as I type. It’s great as background noise while working or driving. It helps me focus. It  helps me wake up. It helps me sleep. Or, sometimes, it’s useful to fit individual moods. There is music for every feeling, with or without words. It is a secondary form of expression.

4. What are you addicted of?

I’d have to go with music again. My mom says I would move in the womb when music was played, which was probably prophetic of my love for it. Music is a constant and I love all varieties. If someone told me I couldn’t have it, I do not know how I would function on a daily basis. My playlist is a surprise; I have everything from Enya to Eminem.

5. What would you change about yourself?

I went through a weight loss effort where I managed to shed 93 of 130 pounds that I had gained after college. Then, the scale started going in the wrong direction. I’d like to reach my weight loss goal.

6. What do you do to relax?

You guessed it! I listen to music! I also will read a book or watch a movie. Typically, my movie selection for relaxing will be something DC/Marvel/Star Trek/sci-fi related, but I love movies in general.

7. If you have unlimited money, what would you buy and why?

A small, but tasteful home in a semi-secluded area, with a vintage/antique decor. In it, I would also buy devices that could hold my large collection of music because I am constantly running out of space/memory. Then, I would buy every song I’ve ever heard and loved and/or that has touched my soul.

8. If you could make a movie about anything, what would that movie be about and why?

I enjoy movies that get into the mind. Likely, I’d like to do something semi-autobiographical about how debilitating mental illness can be and what the internal and external contributing factors can be. I would also get into how recovery is possible. Might be a tear-jerker.

9. What’s your biggest fear?

Failure.

10. What’s your biggest wish?

That I continue on the journey to self-acceptance and recognition of my own self-worth. This would help me understand that failure IS an option; mistakes are inevitable. But, we learn from our failures and mistakes and become better people for them.

11. What word would you use to describe yourself?

Sunshine. In part, it is because a lot of people call me that, both strangers and friends, because they say that’s what they feel and see in my aura. I also love the color yellow, which is pure sunshine in of itself. My nickname is Summer, so maybe I was fated to be  sunshine in people’s eyes. I also just feel better, physically and mentally, when the sun is out. I feel excited about the day.

My Nominations:

  1. Dread Poets Sobriety
  2. Caliath
  3. Almandyne
  4. alygeorges
  5. The Bipolar Writer
  6. joypassiondesire
  7. Utsav Raj
  8. Frank Solanki
  9. Hemendra Dibaakor
  10. Shiny Objects
  11. At the Intersection

My Questions:

  1. What is your favorite song and why?
  2. What made you start blogging?
  3. What emotions fuel your writing?
  4. What was an instance in which writing was therapeutic for you?
  5. If you had one wish, what would it be?
  6. What is your favorite movie and why?
  7. Star Trek or Star Wars and why?
  8. What are your hobbies/interests?
  9. What makes you tic, lights a fire under you?
  10. What is one thing you could not live without?
  11. Who makes up your support system?
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Mental Health, Random

D-Day

Today was my final day of group therapy and I have been officially discharged from intensive outpatient therapy.

When I first was admitted, of my own volition, I was in the throes of deep depression and anxiety. I had long since detached emotionally from just about everything – work, friends, family, life in general. I could not even feel happy to see a person I genuinely liked or cared for. I felt nothing. I had stopped dating, due to being deeply hurt by someone. I thought to myself, that I should get back out into the pool. I met a man that made me want to feel things again, that made me want to be vulnerable to someone. Then, he hurt me too, and I retreated back into myself, faded into black.

I was feeling guilt and anxiety over events long forgotten about. My mind would wake from sleep and automatically say, “Remember that thing you did ten years ago when you were in college?” or, “Remember that thing you said when you were 8?” and so on, so forth. I would remember all the vivid details of that moment. Every movement. Every word. All aspects of the surroundings. I would feel all of the guilt I had felt, or should have felt, then. I felt it to the point that I was giving myself panic attacks, feeling my heart’s increasing rhythm, my chest tightening, my blood pressure rising. I was stuck in the do-loop of rumination and obsessive thinking.

Tonight, after six weeks of intensive therapy, I feel more like myself than I have felt in probably the last year and a half. I feel confident in the future. I have hope in it.

I was not coalesced into therapy. I wanted to go. As bad as my depression had been in the past, it had never been like this. I had never felt so void of feeling. I lacked care and pride, So, I told my therapist that I thought I needed to check myself in somewhere – an idea that might seem daunting and incomprehensible to most. But, I needed, I yearned, to feel better, and because I accept my mental health for what it is, without the usual social stigmas, I was happy to do something extra, for my own sake.

Of course, I was resistant at first, as I always am, due to my impatient, analytical nature. There were things that I expected therapy to be that it was not. As such, my agitation would surpass the need to just listen and learn. But, over time, I relaxed, was educated, and, though not cured, on a path out of the dark.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” The Serenity prayer. I’ve always despised it, a feeling perhaps inherent in my own nature, because I do not like to think that I cannot change something. I like to be able to control my life. In time, though, even I have learned to start understanding and accepting that I cannot control everything. There is no sense making myself miserable trying to.

I am in a good place, one that I’ve never been in during this years long journey through mental illness. This is not a journey that will ever end, for certain, but it is the first time I have left somewhere feeling that I would not have to go back, feeling like I had made significant progress and my outlook on the future was a positive one. Tomorrow will be kinder (great song, by the way).

Our minds are precious. Look after yours.