Mental Health, Random

Awake, Part 9

Asleep or awake I let you down…

I woke up two hours earlier than my normally early wakeup time (of late, anyway). Between 2000 and 0130, I had some potent dreams.

It is daytime to evening. My brother and I are young. He’s like how I usually remember him, not how he is now. No dreadlocks and wants to play with big sister. We live in a large, rustic home. (We never lived in one of those, but it is a dream of mine to do so. See what I did there?) We’re young, but old enough to have a party because Mom and Dad are out. However, we don’t count on how rambunctious our friends and neighbors are. We don’t count on the damage internal and external. We don’t count on the unknown unknowns. We know what we can count on, though. So, we rush to bed before Mom and Dad get home. (We used to do this when we were little, it if it was too early for sleep, we’d hide under our bed.) We can’t clean everything or fix the destroyed things. We can’t freeze time to make it look like nothing happened. This isn’t Rick and Morty. Dad will be pissed. We will owe him some of the money we somehow have (because it’s a dream!). We’re out $935 apiece. We’re out the pieces of us that drifted away in fear. We’re out the words lodged at us in anger that drifted in one ear and out the other. I am wondering if all my wrongdoing could be quantified in a dollar amount. But, who would I pay? What would it solve?

Somehow, it is now the first day of school. I have to get my class schedule and arrive to homeroom by 0730. There’s a problem with my check-in, as usual. My brother’s goes smoothly as usual. They’re trying to find me via identification number. I happen to remember it off my head. But, it’s not my old P.G. County student ID of 13 years. It’s one of my user IDs to access a database at work. In a half-lucid state, I realize the numbers are the same, but in a different order. I wonder why, at 32, I never dream of failing at my job. I dream of whole semesters not attending class, unsubmitted assignments, final exams I haven’t studied for. I dream of FAILING school (which I came close to my third year of college, surprise!) and never getting to work on the first place.

Dear subconscious… What the hell? Is daydreaming of failure not enough? Must you incorporate it into my night dreams and make me think on it while I lie sleepless? You are greedy. You are unforgiving. You play the victim unceasingly. I need you, and conscious, and conscience to get together. Have it out. Figure out what burden is weighing so heavily on the three of you and why the only catharsis you can come to without violence is keeping me awake or thinking my dreams. Get your shit together. I want to dream about winged unicorns and leprechauns and other mythical beings and things that die when I wake up.

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Mental Health, Random

Awake, Part 8

I know why the caged bird sings…

How I long to be free of my self-imposed battle with guilt. All the things I’ve done, all the ways I’ve wronged someone, all the things I’ve said, all the mistakes I’ve made, every embarrassing moment orbits the edge of thought trying to break into my brain’s gravitational field. I try to keep the thoughts at bay. Damn by interminable, long memory. It is like my grandmother’s, who at 100 years old, could spout of details of not only all of her offspring’s long ago mishaps, but her own childhood. I envy those who can easily forget and shake off the little things.

I’m afraid to sleep because I’m afraid to dream.

I’m afraid to wake because I’m afraid to think.

Where is the happy balance? Where is the freedom from this self-inflicted tyranny? Hope do I get out of this vicious cycle that keeps me caged in monotony, vulnerability, fear, and one damnably terrible sleep pattern?

The caged bird sings of freedom.

Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 4

My dreams, they gotta kiss me, ’cause I don’t get sleep, no.

I actually got a fair amount of sleep tonight/this morning. I dreamed that I had been robbed at gunpoint, that people around me lacked sympathy for it; that I was being forced to embrace a religion I didn’t care about; and that one of my parents suggested I give up engineering to become a dentist. Our subconscious mind… It’s out of control. Now, I’m choosing to be awake because I don’t want to dream anymore. Sleep had given me far too much to think about.

*****

The mind will let go
Willfully and with resolve
Longing to be purged
It finds the narrow path
Pushing doggedly forward
To some sort of sanity
Or so it would like to believe
The heart tries to move on
Wistfully and with longing
It is a bit cowardly
It knows better though
And attempts to mimic the mind
Only thing it takes
Are its own broken pieces
And a memory… Or two…
In comes the subconscious!
The cocky snit
Knows it can’t be controlled
Sneaks into our speech
Turns reason irrational
Wreaks havoc on dreams
So even in sleep there is no peace
Even the hand twitches towards… Something…
Teases and tortures mind and heart
With what they’ve been trying to forget
Perhaps vengeful because it remembers all
Maybe not cocky…
Maybe lonely…
Abandoned
It brings the pieces of the soul back together
No longer separated by a strange harmony
Dissonant together

Random

Awake, Part 3

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

Not my friend, really, though. Simply an acquaintance I have become very familiar with. I’ve spent many a moment staring into it’s soul depths while my mind tries to navigate self-induced traps and do-loops that have created a maze of madness and I’m lost in the hedges which is making my anxiety increase and I’m becoming one with the darkness around me instead of embracing the dark behind my eyelids and damn it, now I’m not drowsy anymore, but totally AWAKE! Stop. Breath. Isn’t that what the night can be like? One long run-on sentence?

Hello, darkness. How are you this night? We’re both here. Might as well get to know each other some more. Wrap me in your tendrils. Embrace what sleep and sheep reject.

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 2

It would seem that I’ve been stricken with a bout of insomnia. Here’s a poem I wrote another years past night when sleep evaded me.

*****

Dreaming

I wish I could not dream
Maybe then
I could forget my own mind
Forget the buried things
Or so I thought they were
The dreams are like spiders
Trolling through dust
Pulling back cobwebs
Until they catch the prey
That is my restless heart
Wrapped up in forgotten things
I can not free myself
From the memories
I have no choice
but to succumb to fate
Then maybe I will sleep

Love, Relationships

Awake

Can’t sleep. It’s really frustrating because I have a long day tomorrow. Well, shit, it’s after midnight now… So, a long day ahead.

I’m thinking about unrequited love or like. I keep saying I won’t think about him. Or the other one. Or, goodness, that one… Damn it. Wide awake, though. My thoughts are filled with possibilities that I will never have the chance to know.

What scares people away? Sometimes, I think it’s me. Usually, though, I end up being that person everyone comes back to saying, “hey, you’re a really amazing woman and a great friend.” Something to that effect, anyway. Apparently, that frightens people? Confused.

It is hard to maintain self-worth, especially when you don’t know what went wrong. One moment, you’re having a perfect day. The next… What the hell happened? Oh, it’s you? It’s not me. You don’t want to hurt me. Guess what? It’s too late now. F**k you.

Nature sounds. Rivers and oceans and rain and thunder. ZZZquil. Late hour. Still awake. And I have no whiskey to drink.

Mental Health

The Beckett Sisters

Have you seen the movie The Beckett Sisters? It stars Diane Keaton, Kathy Bates, and Barbara Streisand as three, somewhat strange, women in a small village. They may or may not be related, but they all have the same last name and the same supernatural powers. They can visit other realms at the snap of a finger. They can pull red and people roses from another world into the dreary, clouded fall off their small village. Each of the ladies has one child, all of whom are attempting to find this gift within themselves while struggling to come of age. It is a tale of jealousy, resentment, age-old quarrels among adults, and new ones along teenagers. With appearances from Charlie Heaton and Natalia Dyer, of Stranger Things, this is a film that teaches us…

…nothing. Because it just ends very abruptly. After I awoke, it too me several minutes to understand that I had dreamed the whole thing. This is a battle I often have, distinguishing dream from reality when I’m awake. I have to have conversations with myself to determine what is true or false. Unfortunately, that was only one of several very vivid dreams I had this night. It’s 0425, and I’m afraid to go back to sleep. As the dream fades, I’m not sure Kathy Bates was one of the three actresses, but it was a definitely a hell of a cast.

Aren’t sleep aids/antidepressants/antipsychotics just great? On top of the words and the do-loop of rumination that can’t get out of your head? Sleep on that.