Mental Health, Random

Awake, Part 8

I know why the caged bird sings…

How I long to be free of my self-imposed battle with guilt. All the things I’ve done, all the ways I’ve wronged someone, all the things I’ve said, all the mistakes I’ve made, every embarrassing moment orbits the edge of thought trying to break into my brain’s gravitational field. I try to keep the thoughts at bay. Damn by interminable, long memory. It is like my grandmother’s, who at 100 years old, could spout of details of not only all of her offspring’s long ago mishaps, but her own childhood. I envy those who can easily forget and shake off the little things.

I’m afraid to sleep because I’m afraid to dream.

I’m afraid to wake because I’m afraid to think.

Where is the happy balance? Where is the freedom from this self-inflicted tyranny? Hope do I get out of this vicious cycle that keeps me caged in monotony, vulnerability, fear, and one damnably terrible sleep pattern?

The caged bird sings of freedom.

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Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Random

Awake, Part 3

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

Not my friend, really, though. Simply an acquaintance I have become very familiar with. I’ve spent many a moment staring into it’s soul depths while my mind tries to navigate self-induced traps and do-loops that have created a maze of madness and I’m lost in the hedges which is making my anxiety increase and I’m becoming one with the darkness around me instead of embracing the dark behind my eyelids and damn it, now I’m not drowsy anymore, but totally AWAKE! Stop. Breath. Isn’t that what the night can be like? One long run-on sentence?

Hello, darkness. How are you this night? We’re both here. Might as well get to know each other some more. Wrap me in your tendrils. Embrace what sleep and sheep reject.

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 2

It would seem that I’ve been stricken with a bout of insomnia. Here’s a poem I wrote another years past night when sleep evaded me.

*****

Dreaming

I wish I could not dream
Maybe then
I could forget my own mind
Forget the buried things
Or so I thought they were
The dreams are like spiders
Trolling through dust
Pulling back cobwebs
Until they catch the prey
That is my restless heart
Wrapped up in forgotten things
I can not free myself
From the memories
I have no choice
but to succumb to fate
Then maybe I will sleep