Mental Health, Random

Awake, Part 8

I know why the caged bird sings…

How I long to be free of my self-imposed battle with guilt. All the things I’ve done, all the ways I’ve wronged someone, all the things I’ve said, all the mistakes I’ve made, every embarrassing moment orbits the edge of thought trying to break into my brain’s gravitational field. I try to keep the thoughts at bay. Damn by interminable, long memory. It is like my grandmother’s, who at 100 years old, could spout of details of not only all of her offspring’s long ago mishaps, but her own childhood. I envy those who can easily forget and shake off the little things.

I’m afraid to sleep because I’m afraid to dream.

I’m afraid to wake because I’m afraid to think.

Where is the happy balance? Where is the freedom from this self-inflicted tyranny? Hope do I get out of this vicious cycle that keeps me caged in monotony, vulnerability, fear, and one damnably terrible sleep pattern?

The caged bird sings of freedom.

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Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Poetry

Chocolate Cupcakes

Lying in bed

Wondering if sleep will come

And dreams with it

Or nightmares…

I made it to 1515 at work

Before wanting to slit my wrists

Or someone’s throat

I call that progress

Now, I’m on a high

Filled with good food

Wine, chocolate cupcakes

An episode of Star Trek

The perfect end

To a mediocre day

To any day, actually

But, I fear the end

That sleep will bring

So, I lie awake

Wondering…

Poetry

Time/Awake, Part 6/Collaboration, Part 2

Borrowed this photo from eMAGINE for her post Season Finale. The photo spoke to me; it shows us what happens when we spend out time waiting on others. I wrote a similar poem a couple years ago for a piece called Chess (Right) by Xiong Xuan (excerpt of same poem at link).

*****

Once upon a time
Not so long ago really
That’s just how stories begin
We found each other
And were so enchanted
We looked forward in time
Saw all the possibilities
And with our hearts beating
In time together
We were galvanized into action
Accompanied by seemingly endless time
Now, wait, hold on
I thought…
I thought you were with me
Time is of the essence
But you are wasting time
Looking at the time
Ironically considering
all you have to do
all you have to do
all you have to do
If you could focus on my face
See the zest and vigor
And be so motivated again
Stop focusing on that face
Watching the hands going by
The hands go by
The hands go by
Don’t see me wringing my hands at you
I’m leaving, though
Time and I have things to do
Spread joy and love here
Some chaos there
Except… Wait…
I see my feet in the same place they were
I’ve been watching you
Watching the time
And in that time
you left me behind
In a place that time forgot
Wondering at the waste
Wondering at the loss
Now I realize that all this time
I was never supposed to go with you
Perhaps you knew
And were waiting for the right time
To leave me
You small-time crook
Walked off with my heart
Left memories
Now I’m watching you
Thinking on the time that was
whispering by on the wind
Tick, tock
Tick, tock
Tick, tick, tick
I was not listening
Not watching the interminable hands
Because I was following with you
Like Alice down the rabbit hole
Dreaming
Now, suddenly, I have all the time
But these hands don’t know which way to move…
Sometimes we try to recreate our pastimes
In our present
But it’s not what the future intended
Only time will tell that
Oh, the times…
They are changing

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 4

My dreams, they gotta kiss me, ’cause I don’t get sleep, no.

I actually got a fair amount of sleep tonight/this morning. I dreamed that I had been robbed at gunpoint, that people around me lacked sympathy for it; that I was being forced to embrace a religion I didn’t care about; and that one of my parents suggested I give up engineering to become a dentist. Our subconscious mind… It’s out of control. Now, I’m choosing to be awake because I don’t want to dream anymore. Sleep had given me far too much to think about.

*****

The mind will let go
Willfully and with resolve
Longing to be purged
It finds the narrow path
Pushing doggedly forward
To some sort of sanity
Or so it would like to believe
The heart tries to move on
Wistfully and with longing
It is a bit cowardly
It knows better though
And attempts to mimic the mind
Only thing it takes
Are its own broken pieces
And a memory… Or two…
In comes the subconscious!
The cocky snit
Knows it can’t be controlled
Sneaks into our speech
Turns reason irrational
Wreaks havoc on dreams
So even in sleep there is no peace
Even the hand twitches towards… Something…
Teases and tortures mind and heart
With what they’ve been trying to forget
Perhaps vengeful because it remembers all
Maybe not cocky…
Maybe lonely…
Abandoned
It brings the pieces of the soul back together
No longer separated by a strange harmony
Dissonant together

Random

Awake, Part 3

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

Not my friend, really, though. Simply an acquaintance I have become very familiar with. I’ve spent many a moment staring into it’s soul depths while my mind tries to navigate self-induced traps and do-loops that have created a maze of madness and I’m lost in the hedges which is making my anxiety increase and I’m becoming one with the darkness around me instead of embracing the dark behind my eyelids and damn it, now I’m not drowsy anymore, but totally AWAKE! Stop. Breath. Isn’t that what the night can be like? One long run-on sentence?

Hello, darkness. How are you this night? We’re both here. Might as well get to know each other some more. Wrap me in your tendrils. Embrace what sleep and sheep reject.

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 2

It would seem that I’ve been stricken with a bout of insomnia. Here’s a poem I wrote another years past night when sleep evaded me.

*****

Dreaming

I wish I could not dream
Maybe then
I could forget my own mind
Forget the buried things
Or so I thought they were
The dreams are like spiders
Trolling through dust
Pulling back cobwebs
Until they catch the prey
That is my restless heart
Wrapped up in forgotten things
I can not free myself
From the memories
I have no choice
but to succumb to fate
Then maybe I will sleep

Love, Relationships

Awake

Can’t sleep. It’s really frustrating because I have a long day tomorrow. Well, shit, it’s after midnight now… So, a long day ahead.

I’m thinking about unrequited love or like. I keep saying I won’t think about him. Or the other one. Or, goodness, that one… Damn it. Wide awake, though. My thoughts are filled with possibilities that I will never have the chance to know.

What scares people away? Sometimes, I think it’s me. Usually, though, I end up being that person everyone comes back to saying, “hey, you’re a really amazing woman and a great friend.” Something to that effect, anyway. Apparently, that frightens people? Confused.

It is hard to maintain self-worth, especially when you don’t know what went wrong. One moment, you’re having a perfect day. The next… What the hell happened? Oh, it’s you? It’s not me. You don’t want to hurt me. Guess what? It’s too late now. F**k you.

Nature sounds. Rivers and oceans and rain and thunder. ZZZquil. Late hour. Still awake. And I have no whiskey to drink.

Mental Health

The Beckett Sisters

Have you seen the movie The Beckett Sisters? It stars Diane Keaton, Kathy Bates, and Barbara Streisand as three, somewhat strange, women in a small village. They may or may not be related, but they all have the same last name and the same supernatural powers. They can visit other realms at the snap of a finger. They can pull red and people roses from another world into the dreary, clouded fall off their small village. Each of the ladies has one child, all of whom are attempting to find this gift within themselves while struggling to come of age. It is a tale of jealousy, resentment, age-old quarrels among adults, and new ones along teenagers. With appearances from Charlie Heaton and Natalia Dyer, of Stranger Things, this is a film that teaches us…

…nothing. Because it just ends very abruptly. After I awoke, it too me several minutes to understand that I had dreamed the whole thing. This is a battle I often have, distinguishing dream from reality when I’m awake. I have to have conversations with myself to determine what is true or false. Unfortunately, that was only one of several very vivid dreams I had this night. It’s 0425, and I’m afraid to go back to sleep. As the dream fades, I’m not sure Kathy Bates was one of the three actresses, but it was a definitely a hell of a cast.

Aren’t sleep aids/antidepressants/antipsychotics just great? On top of the words and the do-loop of rumination that can’t get out of your head? Sleep on that.