Poetry

Your Loss

I hope you’re watching me

Following every word that I write

You could have had all of me

Because I wanted to give you every piece of me

To let you have me

In any and every capacity that you wanted

I hope it breaks you

To know what you’re missing

To know what you gave up

To know you’ll never find another like me

You’ll be mine forever

Because you cannot surpass this

But you’ll never admit it

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Random, Relationships

Thoughts

I’ve discussed before the inherent nature in some of us to want to fix people. Do I let broken people into my life because I myself am broken? Do I believe that if I fix everyone else that I will somehow, vicariously, fix myself? Inevitably, though, what happens is we help, people leave, and we get hurt. People are toxic when they’re broken and they don’t know themselves. This includes us when we don’t know ourselves. So, they will walk all over you and hurt you and run.

I’m watching myself let this happen to me again…

Why?

I suppose it’s progress that I’m recognizing it and nipping it at the beginning. But, you know… It still hurts.

I feel cheap and alone.

Poetry

Forget

I would rather not remember
The day that we met
I drank whiskey
And you had drinks with flowers
I would like my brain to forget
The mental stimulation
And the physical stimulation
That you aroused in me so quickly
I wish my skin could forget
The way it molded to every part of you
You loved the feel of me in your arms
How soft my skin is
The memories of us together
The first time, every time
How you made me
Sigh, scream, shiver
Sated
I would dispense with those
Along with the afterwards
Where we held each other
While we caught our breaths
I would like to not think on that last day
How I didn’t know it would be the last day
How could a perfect day be the end
Instead of the beginning?
It’s better to have loved and lost
That’s what they say
Bullshit, I say
I did not love you
Not knowing if I could have
Is the notion that kills me
When we were together
It was so very simple
I would forget that life could be
Beautifully uncomplicated
Because now it is all I long for
Life is not supposed to be simple
I suppose

Love, Relationships

Goodnight

Wishing you were here

To kiss me goodnight with your

Lips on my forehead

Poetry, Relationships

Telepathy

I wish I was a Professor X
Or a Class Five mutant
Like Jean Grey
I’ll never be a redhead
But, I could speak into your mind
You have no Magneto helmet
To block my thoughts
I want you to know that I think of you
That I still crave you
I want you to know what you did to me
The agony I am in
I want you to know the pain you caused me
That won’t seem to recede
I am afraid to trust
I am afraid to love
I am afraid to like
I am afraid to be
I want you to how it’s been
Since you abandoned me
To look for and chase after
What you left behind

Love, Relationships

Awake, Part 11

As I’m listening to the bells of the cathedral, I am thinking of your voice

As much therapy as I’ve done and as much effort as I make to move forward, I find myself perpetually teary-eyed, depressed, and squirmish over anything to do with love and relationships. Half of the posts I read make me pout either out of sadness or envy (some of you are going through some tough shit). I can’t watch Love Actually (partly because of the love thing and partly because of the Christmas thing, but that’s for another post). An episode of Star Trek had me near tears. Let me stop and expand here – potential spoilers. It was fascinating to me to watch a human, raised by Vulcans, with deep-seated logic and a rejection of emotion, find herself falling for another human. On the one hand, it’s beautiful. She had transcended all of her ingrained teaching to experience human love and though it is complicated, she is trying to embrace it. She went back in time to save this man. If that’s not love… Oh, and he likes her back! Because isn’t that how this stuff goes?

Not really.

I don’t know if I’m simply unlucky or just doing it wrong. I’ve had men tell me they’re undeserving of me and my company since I was 22. I don’t know if they truly feel some perceived inadequacy beside me, or if they choose not to discuss my faults with me. In any case, the sentiment is a cowardly one and leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, wondering what is unlovable about me.

Of course, I recognize I’m continually in the middle of this chaos with the wrong man. Oh, it’s not on purpose. I’ve tried many avenues. Organic meetings, work, literally every dating site out there. Things start out good. People trust me. I trust them. I inevitably get attached. And even more inevitable, these men turn out to be damaged, broken, and ultimately terrified of being with me. I say being with me, not being in a relationship. They love to be with me. They love having me as a friend. They WANT me in their lives, but they want to F**K someone else. They always tell me how amazing Lauren is, but apparently, that’s not enough.

I may have shared this before. The last guy I was with told me that because of my intelligence, I probably attract the complicated sort. I told him that was unfair because I will not change who I am to attract someone uncomplicated. Upon further inspection, brought upon by his actions, I’ve found that no man I’ve been relatively serious with has been that complicated, if at all, but ultimately petulant and unfamiliar with themselves. So, they want to explore, but I mustn’t go away.

I submit for edit my earlier statement. They don’t WANT me in their lives. They NEED me. They need to friend zone me and string me along because I’m a bottle of sunshine and they feel better with me. More powerful. Something. I really don’t know. I do know that I’ve been so deeply hurt by the last two men I was with, these two men who want so much to be friends, but fault me for nothing relationship-wise, that I’ve deleted all my profiles and I have no interest in dating. Taking a break.

I need to pick better. I would love to find someone with their head, maybe not on straight, but at least close to the angle of mine own. Someone who doesn’t NEED me for whatever dark or selfish purpose that they’re probably unaware of (because they don’t know themselves), but someone who just WANTS to be with me because I’m me and that’s ok.

I’m looking for you, dude. Where are you?

Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Poetry

Time/Awake, Part 6/Collaboration, Part 2

Borrowed this photo from eMAGINE for her post Season Finale. The photo spoke to me; it shows us what happens when we spend out time waiting on others. I wrote a similar poem a couple years ago for a piece called Chess (Right) by Xiong Xuan (excerpt of same poem at link).

*****

Once upon a time
Not so long ago really
That’s just how stories begin
We found each other
And were so enchanted
We looked forward in time
Saw all the possibilities
And with our hearts beating
In time together
We were galvanized into action
Accompanied by seemingly endless time
Now, wait, hold on
I thought…
I thought you were with me
Time is of the essence
But you are wasting time
Looking at the time
Ironically considering
all you have to do
all you have to do
all you have to do
If you could focus on my face
See the zest and vigor
And be so motivated again
Stop focusing on that face
Watching the hands going by
The hands go by
The hands go by
Don’t see me wringing my hands at you
I’m leaving, though
Time and I have things to do
Spread joy and love here
Some chaos there
Except… Wait…
I see my feet in the same place they were
I’ve been watching you
Watching the time
And in that time
you left me behind
In a place that time forgot
Wondering at the waste
Wondering at the loss
Now I realize that all this time
I was never supposed to go with you
Perhaps you knew
And were waiting for the right time
To leave me
You small-time crook
Walked off with my heart
Left memories
Now I’m watching you
Thinking on the time that was
whispering by on the wind
Tick, tock
Tick, tock
Tick, tick, tick
I was not listening
Not watching the interminable hands
Because I was following with you
Like Alice down the rabbit hole
Dreaming
Now, suddenly, I have all the time
But these hands don’t know which way to move…
Sometimes we try to recreate our pastimes
In our present
But it’s not what the future intended
Only time will tell that
Oh, the times…
They are changing

Love, Mental Health, Relationships

Trust and Toxicity

What is it that makes us hold on to the people that are the absolute worst, the most toxic to our lives, just plain no good for us?

Consider my own personal experiences. I connect with very few people. So, when I do, I’m ALL IN. I don’t know how else to be. Usually, the people I connect with are the same. Then the red flags start getting thrown. But, I say, “Oh, it’ll be ok,” or “I can’t judge. I have the same issues,” or “No one is perfect. I have to accept some faults.” I keep saying this until I have been brutally and deeply hurt and that person has abandoned me. I keep saying this while my rational mind tells me to let go but my irrational one tells me that their bullshit shouldn’t dictate my actions and I should continue to be a good friend. I keep telling myself this long past what is healthy and sensible. And after I finally let go, I still struggle to stay away because, as I said, I don’t know how to go all in.

I’ve realized what my personality type is and how I approach friendships and relationships with friends or family will probably not change. This means that I will take disappointments hard and I need my time to grieve after each failed attempt. That’s ok. But, I still haven’t figured out when to start that grieving process at a suitable point in time. I haven’t figured out when to kick a toxic person out on their ass.

Ironically, though, I’ll be ready to kick out a good person. Take this for instance. One of my friends misinterpreted something I said. Rather, she chose to do so because she was in a bad mood and had had a trying previous few days. She reprimanded me 1) unnecessarily, and 2) in front of a group of people. My initial reaction was, “What the f**k was that?” I started thinking to myself I have to pull away, I’ve gotten to close to this person, they’re going to hurt me, we can be cordial, but we can’t be close friends. Then, I did what I often do not do in this situation. I stepped back and relaxed. I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad. The next morning, I told her I understood her frustrations and I forgave her. She was very apologetic. This was progress for me and I thought I had moved on. We hung out a few days later. I realized that I was holding back things I had planned to share (I had just had a breakthrough in group therapy). It took me a couple hours to tell myself to chill out and trust her. She had already apologized several more times during the day. I shared what was on my mind and I felt better. Later, she thanked me for not divorcing her as a friend. But, honestly, there was no reason to. A couple years ago, though, I wouldn’t have been able to get through such a situation nearly so quickly.

I realized that the toxic people that I have kept in my life, the ones that I still feel emotionally attached to, have made me afraid to trust the decent people that come my way. So, I’m more likely to push them away out of fear that they will hurt or leave me and instead stay with the people who DO hurt and leave me, thinking I can fix them. This is my safe place. But, really, it isn’t safe, is it? These actions also keep my depression and anxiety at a high.  I’ve realized that, while it might make me a little sad and restless, it’s healthier for me to have an evening home alone, then continue in relationships with people that are just complete shit. It’s a struggle, though!! Fortunately, this aspect of my life is a work in progress.

What’s your experience? Share with me?

Love, Mental Health, Movies, Relationships

Movie Depth: Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

This will be the first movie review that I blog. So far, the blog has focused mostly on mental health, but my intent is for it to be a little of everything going forward. My movie reviews will not be traditional ones, in the sense that I am not going to do a rundown of the plot and how well the aspects of the film did or did not fit together cohesively. I simply just want to share my thoughts and feelings from the film. Here goes…

*****

I watched Moonrise Kingdom for the first time a couple years ago. I remember being excited at the prospect of it when it first came out. With Bill Murray, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Frances McDormand, and appearances by Tilda Swinton and Harvey Keitel, it boasts one hell of a cast. Alas, I procrastinated.

When I finally did see it, I was so overwhelmed by its simplistic beauty that I could not fully process it. I just knew that I needed to watch it again.

I finally watched it again last night. I still find the film absolutely beautiful to the point that I teared up slightly when it was over. Plus, the combination of classical music, country songs by Hank Williams, and original score by Alexandre Desplat (he did Harry Potter!) made for an amazing soundtrack that rustles the soul.

Moonrise Kingdom is a coming-of-age romantic comedy/drama that follows Sam Shakusky and Suzy Bishop, twelve-year old children living on the 16-mile long island of New Penzance in 1965. Sam and Suzy are both friendless and outcast among family, but immediately connect when they meet each other at a play. They become pen pals, writing letters that span a year. They decide to run away together for ten days, to discover the island and each other. In that span of time, they’re deep friendship blossoms into love and they desire to be together forever. There are several other aspects surrounding their lives and family that are important to the film, but I choose to focus on Sam and Suzy’s deep-seated love for each other.

Do you remember or have you ever known a time when love was that easy? Sam and Suzy met, stayed in touch via written communication (a lost art), and finally and simply decide to be together. At one point in the movie, they decide to get married. They are urged and begged by another one of the khaki scouts to take time to think about whether they should get married, as it’s not a decision to be taken lightly. Sam and Suzy take less than five minutes to decide, with no regrets.

Now, obviously, we cannot let 12-years old get married because they truly don’t understand the gravity it or have the means to care for each other without help. But, it’s interesting to think on how much more complicated we make these decisions as adults… Is it the right time to date? Am I really in love? I’ve only known this person for aa few days, but I’m already wondering if I can be with them for the rest of my life and scaring myself away. Should I even be thinking about that so soon? Should I wait years to admit my feelings? Who should say I love you first? Does everything change after marriage? Should I even bother with getting married? Who needs a piece of paper? Blah blah… blah blah blah. Before we know it, we’ve ruined a perfectly good thing before we even get the chance to have it.

If this movie taught me anything, it’s to seize the moment. Sam and Suzy may not end up together forever. They might grow up and grow apart. But, in that moment on Moonrise Kingdom, they were happy together and love with each other. They cared for each other, wanted to do anything to be together, and were ready to die for each other. They lived the moment, without dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. The anxious adult that I have become is jealous of this and wonders if I’ve ever had a moment that I could describe as encompassing such simplicity and clarity.

On a more personal note, Sam and Suzy are both described as being “emotionally disturbed” children. Their parents did not know how to deal with them. Other children chose (yes, chose) not to like them because they did not understand them. In my battles with depression and anxiety, I’ve looked back and realized that this was often the case in my own life. I chose to retreat with myself more often than not. I know I gave my parents a hell of time and probably, still do. We all have problems, some of us more than others. But, that doesn’t mean, as dismal as the prospect sometimes seems, that there isn’t someone out there for us. We all deserve to be happy. Sam and Suzy eventually gain the respect and favor of other khaki troop members, who ultimately help them stay together out of remorse for their previous behavior. Their parents might never approve of their relationship but THEY do, and they are beautifully ecstatic in it.

Simplify your mind. You might find love where you weren’t looking for it or where it’s always been.