Random, Relationships

Musings, Part Whatever

This is going to turn back into a more than poetry blog. I forgot that it was therapeutic to release my thoughts here.


I deleted my Twitter app today. Not my account. Just the app. I was suddenly hit with and disgusted by the facade.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Twitter. I’m off and on it and this during this last round (which was longer than most), I connected with many other poets. It was fun to bounce of the minds of others and be critiqued on my work.

But, much like most else, it’s not real.

I’ve realized that I go there in my low points. When I’m depressed and I want to distract myself. The thing that most love about Twitter is its anonymity. You can be whatever, say whatever, call yourself whatever. There’s so much PORN! It got to a point, where just about everyday, I ended up on the page of a new follower and immediately was like, woops!

There are great people there. There are a few folks I even consider friends. To what extent, though? I was talking with one of these friends. He had tweeted awhile back about having a Twitter party so we could all meet each other. I remember telling him that we should really do it. I brought it back up to him today. Really, I just wanted him to know that it would be cool to meet him. We’d become friends. He’d gotten me to open up. He said something very noncommittal and I was suddenly over it all. Not over him… He’s a good person, which just makes me more sad.

I’ve become friend, therapist, and inspiration to people. Even an instigator. At the end of the day, it doesn’t mean anything does it? So, why do we spend so much time on an app that ultimately gives us nothing? It’s a forum to let out the things we wouldn’t share on Facebook or in suitable, adult conversation. It’s where we can be more us. It’s where we can let our degenerate out. It’s the place where we know we’re all a little fucked up and it’s ok.

I can’t live there anymore.

I’ve been hurting. Deeply. Was it another asshat I went out with? Of course! You guys know that I love and I love hard. It hurts to lose a love interest, a friend, anyone really… Told myself I wouldn’t fall apart, but I did. At least, though, I told this one about himself. Why shouldn’t he know, even though he went back to his ex? Why shouldn’t he know that I saw what he would do before he did because I understood his feelings when he didn’t? Why shouldn’t he know that, for once, I thought someone chose me first, and it turned out, in the end… that he was never fully present, that he was always going to go back, whether it was me or some other girl? I just wish it was some other girl… Why should I carry the burden alone. He should know what he did. People need to understand the impact they have, the damage they do, whether they stick around for awhile or breeze in and out of your life like a gust of wind.

So, it’s probably time to stop wallowing. Get back to me. To reality. To life. To stop taking solace in an imaginary world full of real people I can’t ever know.

Poetry

Wrapped

I want to wrap myself around your little finger
Wrap my arms around your neck
Wrap our slick bodies in wet sheets
Wrap my soul around yours
Wrap my lips around…
You

Poetry

Forgiveness

While my head
Might be so disinclined
My heart acquiesces
I forgive you
In the same moment
That I wrap my limbs around you
Bite
Mark as you as mine
In all the places I want
In all the places you like
In all the places that makes you moan

Love, Poetry

Blue

I looked into the blue of your eyes
I ceased feeling blue
I saw peace, serenity in the depths
I saw the blue of the ocean
Us making love in the tide
I thought maybe
I’d like to try forever with you

Love, Poetry

The Bluest Eye

Lie your head on the pillow
Next to mine
Close
Bask in the aura of my nakedness
Look
Touch
I’m soft
You’re hard
Gaze into mine eyes
Do you see the moon
Stars dying
Infinite space?
See all of me
I see you
Unwittingly unraveled before me
Through the bluest eye

Poetry

Sponge

I am in no position
To demand of you
What I want to give you
I give you my mind to meld with
I give you heart to touch
I give you my body to pin down and have your way with
I am wet like a sponge
I want to take all of you in
You chose someone else
After you partook of me
I cannot ask for all this
Though I deserve it
Still waiting
Still wet
If you change your mind
Come from behind
Surprise me

Poetry

Cry Havoc

cry havoc my heart

let slip the dredges of love

ventricles at war

Poetry

Letting Go

I miss you

The timing was never right for us, wrong in every way it could be

But I still fell hard for that scrawny frame, those tattooed arms, and that nervous smile

I love you

I love your spirit, your energy, your aura

I love the way you made love to me, it’s not the same with anyone else, not even close

We night have been happy were it another time and place

But things fall apart and so did we

It was too hard

So I let you do because I thought it was the right thing to do

I thought you would come back when life settled down

Instead you found another and I’m filled with longing and regret

Did I make the right choice?

We got to have one more moment and it was everything I had ever wanted from you

Still you chose her over me

You are with her and I am with no one

You want to hold on to me, keep me as friend because our short time together means more to you than you will say

I want to hold on to you, because I love you so, with all of your faults and idiosyncrasies

I never thought I’d be in love with someone like you

Someone so carefree, and sometimes a blessed, fucking idiot

But for a moment, you were mine

I have to accept that I will not have that moment again, that I will never have you the way I want

So, I do the only thing I can

I release you, I release me

A part of my heart will always be yours even though you are hers

Poetry

Glass Heart

Deep, authentic connections
A rarity in this life
So, as soon as I feel one
I’m wont to trust
With reckless abandon
I give all of my care
All of my soul
To those I deem worthy
I do not know any other way to be
I fall in love
In a New York minute
I give all of my emotion
All of me
To a relationship
Either I like you
Or I do not
I know quick enough
Why not jump all in?
What’s the worst that could happen?
Perhaps this is why
My heart shatters
Like glass on pavement
When another one
Is not the one
But, I cannot change who I am
I accept my fragile heart
I will pick the pieces from the dust
Put it back together again and again
Until I find the one
Who sees my value
Who will be my glue

*****

Thanks to my friend Brenda for inspiring a part of this poem.

Poetry

Untitled

I feel you in me

Hanging on my heart like

Music I can’t forget

You echo in my ears like

Just another sad love song