Poetry, Relationships

Telepathy

I wish I was a Professor X
Or a Class Five mutant
Like Jean Grey
I’ll never be a redhead
But, I could speak into your mind
You have no Magneto helmet
To block my thoughts
I want you to know that I think of you
That I still crave you
I want you to know what you did to me
The agony I am in
I want you to know the pain you caused me
That won’t seem to recede
I am afraid to trust
I am afraid to love
I am afraid to like
I am afraid to be
I want you to how it’s been
Since you abandoned me
To look for and chase after
What you left behind

Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Love, Relationships

Awake

Can’t sleep. It’s really frustrating because I have a long day tomorrow. Well, shit, it’s after midnight now… So, a long day ahead.

I’m thinking about unrequited love or like. I keep saying I won’t think about him. Or the other one. Or, goodness, that one… Damn it. Wide awake, though. My thoughts are filled with possibilities that I will never have the chance to know.

What scares people away? Sometimes, I think it’s me. Usually, though, I end up being that person everyone comes back to saying, “hey, you’re a really amazing woman and a great friend.” Something to that effect, anyway. Apparently, that frightens people? Confused.

It is hard to maintain self-worth, especially when you don’t know what went wrong. One moment, you’re having a perfect day. The next… What the hell happened? Oh, it’s you? It’s not me. You don’t want to hurt me. Guess what? It’s too late now. F**k you.

Nature sounds. Rivers and oceans and rain and thunder. ZZZquil. Late hour. Still awake. And I have no whiskey to drink.

Mental Health, Poetry

Loss

Processing the finality of loss
Not in the usual way
Not by happy or accidental death
Rather, by emotional void
Unable to recognize the face
Of someone I used to know
Of someone that used to love me
Everyone says, “life changes”
It seems a petulant excuse
A way to give up, save face
A perpetual belief you’ve instilled
That you hold the halo
When it comes to being friend,
Father, mother, sister, brother
When was the last time
You looked in the mirror
Tried to understand the reflection
Of someone that you used to know
Of someone that had not walked away
Give an ear to the angels and devils
That whisper to you
The things you do not want to hear
But, need to know
Loss was avoidable once
So stuck on the potential of it were you
That you made it inevitable
Realizing this, I see
Though I feel pain
The loss is not my burden
It is yours to bear
Your self-imposed finality