Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 21/Sandman

I dreamed I was robbed along with a group of people. Everyone was very casual about it. I had the most go lose as I had two large checks in my wallet. In the dream, it’s acknowledged that I never do such things. No one cares. I can’t get through to the police. I can’t get through to the bank. My friends and family think it’s funny and my own fault. Even the robber follows me laughing. Dear subconscious, what was your endgame with this one? I finally managed to wake myself up. Now, I’m anxious and agitated.

*****

Mr. Sandman, I beg you
Stop bringing me dreams
They tear my mind asunder
Rip my heart out at the seams

Please, Mr. Sandman
Don’t sing me a song
Your lyrics grate on my ears
Keep me awake all night long

Mr. Sandman, I implore you
Turn off that magic beam
The light blinds and binds me
With wicked thoughts I teem

I wish you’d go Sandman,
But if you must stay
Let me dream of the dark of night
Then, maybe, I won’t wish you away

Mr. Sandman, dearest
It’s not you; it’s me
Until my addled mind settles
I ask you, love, to just let me be

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 20

I am an up and coming starlet
You won’t find me on the Walk of Fame just yet
Don’t worry, I’ll get there!
Luxury hotels on white sand beaches
That’s where we’re filming, of course
The leading man, Leo is his name
He and I are becoming intimate, shall we say
We’ve spent the last two days together
During every moment not on set…
On set! Listen to me!
As though I’m an oldie in the business
Instead of a budding actress
I’ll come into my own, you’ll see!
Some of the staff give me a hard time
How dare they! Jealous!
Not everyone can enjoy the success of others
They’ve had to move me to another room
Someone with seniority, you know
That’s ok, soon it will be me
Still I’m basking in the whole of this experience
There’s a message from Mharesa
Where is the dress check?
It’s on the big farm
Before the ball tonight
I must be on my way
But wait…
Alas, it was only another dream
I’ve awoken to my ordinary life
Sweating unglamorously in my bedsheets

Random

Awake, Part 18

Dreams. I wish I couldn’t have them. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had dreamless sleep. My dreams keep getting stranger. Tonight was no different.

From senior year in high school to sometime during my second year of college (17-19), I had a best friend. We did everything together. She was in a sister congregation so the relationship meet with unconditional approval. Ultimately, though, for reasons I won’t go into at this early hour of the morning, the relationship failed and I walked away from it.

In the middle of that (at 18), I dated a guy five years older than me. He was also in the same sister congregation, but people gave me many warnings about him. I was enamored and didn’t listen. I gave up friends to be with him. It only lasted a couple months, but the drama lasted about five years. Again, I won’t go into the deals.

I don’t give either of them much thought and when I do, it’s quick and in passing.

So, why did I have an intense dream that involved both of them?? There were others from my own old congregation. People I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. Many were excited over my father’s ingenuity.

Now, my mind is consumed, wondering where this came from. I fear going back to sleep.

Isn’t it funny how we sometimes don’t know what our own mind is thinking? What it’s trying to tell us?

Random

Awake, Part 16

Middle of the night

I wake up sideways

My head is off the left side of the bed, my glasses are hanging out in the right side, my phone is nestled under a pillow my head has earlier claimed

Muffled nature sounds

Eventually I realize where I am

Attempt to right myself

Make my sheets look like someone sleeps in this bed instead of thrashing wildly

Even in slumber, I’m trying to outrun the past, prevent the potential future

Dreams always catch up, though

It might be fate to always sleep alone

Mental Health, Random

Awake, Part 9

Asleep or awake I let you down…

I woke up two hours earlier than my normally early wakeup time (of late, anyway). Between 2000 and 0130, I had some potent dreams.

It is daytime to evening. My brother and I are young. He’s like how I usually remember him, not how he is now. No dreadlocks and wants to play with big sister. We live in a large, rustic home. (We never lived in one of those, but it is a dream of mine to do so. See what I did there?) We’re young, but old enough to have a party because Mom and Dad are out. However, we don’t count on how rambunctious our friends and neighbors are. We don’t count on the damage internal and external. We don’t count on the unknown unknowns. We know what we can count on, though. So, we rush to bed before Mom and Dad get home. (We used to do this when we were little, it if it was too early for sleep, we’d hide under our bed.) We can’t clean everything or fix the destroyed things. We can’t freeze time to make it look like nothing happened. This isn’t Rick and Morty. Dad will be pissed. We will owe him some of the money we somehow have (because it’s a dream!). We’re out $935 apiece. We’re out the pieces of us that drifted away in fear. We’re out the words lodged at us in anger that drifted in one ear and out the other. I am wondering if all my wrongdoing could be quantified in a dollar amount. But, who would I pay? What would it solve?

Somehow, it is now the first day of school. I have to get my class schedule and arrive to homeroom by 0730. There’s a problem with my check-in, as usual. My brother’s goes smoothly as usual. They’re trying to find me via identification number. I happen to remember it off my head. But, it’s not my old P.G. County student ID of 13 years. It’s one of my user IDs to access a database at work. In a half-lucid state, I realize the numbers are the same, but in a different order. I wonder why, at 32, I never dream of failing at my job. I dream of whole semesters not attending class, unsubmitted assignments, final exams I haven’t studied for. I dream of FAILING school (which I came close to my third year of college, surprise!) and never getting to work on the first place.

Dear subconscious… What the hell? Is daydreaming of failure not enough? Must you incorporate it into my night dreams and make me think on it while I lie sleepless? You are greedy. You are unforgiving. You play the victim unceasingly. I need you, and conscious, and conscience to get together. Have it out. Figure out what burden is weighing so heavily on the three of you and why the only catharsis you can come to without violence is keeping me awake or thinking my dreams. Get your shit together. I want to dream about winged unicorns and leprechauns and other mythical beings and things that die when I wake up.

Random

Awake, Part 7

I am thinking of you, in my sleepless solitude tonight.

Awake again. I’m beginning to associate lack of sleep with normalcy. But, at least, I’m being productive.

I drank too much wine and the brain fog is settling in. But, at least I enjoyed it.

My Fitbit says my heart rate is 102. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the position I’m in, or anxiety about yet another day back to work. But, it’s Fat Burn zone, so maybe I’ll shed some pounds in my state of confusion.

I’ve discovered new pastimes for sleepless nights. One is writing my thoughts for others to read. The other is reading the thoughts others write. In some strange way, I feel bonded to everyone else who is awake right now, either because sleep is evasive or because it’s daytime in their time zone. But, strange though it is, it is also somewhat gratifying to feel like part of an unknown something.

I am thinking of you. I have been all day. You showed up in my dreams during the little sleep I did get. Now, I do not know if being awake is a blessing. But, it was good to see your face.

Poetry

Chocolate Cupcakes

Lying in bed

Wondering if sleep will come

And dreams with it

Or nightmares…

I made it to 1515 at work

Before wanting to slit my wrists

Or someone’s throat

I call that progress

Now, I’m on a high

Filled with good food

Wine, chocolate cupcakes

An episode of Star Trek

The perfect end

To a mediocre day

To any day, actually

But, I fear the end

That sleep will bring

So, I lie awake

Wondering…

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 4

My dreams, they gotta kiss me, ’cause I don’t get sleep, no.

I actually got a fair amount of sleep tonight/this morning. I dreamed that I had been robbed at gunpoint, that people around me lacked sympathy for it; that I was being forced to embrace a religion I didn’t care about; and that one of my parents suggested I give up engineering to become a dentist. Our subconscious mind… It’s out of control. Now, I’m choosing to be awake because I don’t want to dream anymore. Sleep had given me far too much to think about.

*****

The mind will let go
Willfully and with resolve
Longing to be purged
It finds the narrow path
Pushing doggedly forward
To some sort of sanity
Or so it would like to believe
The heart tries to move on
Wistfully and with longing
It is a bit cowardly
It knows better though
And attempts to mimic the mind
Only thing it takes
Are its own broken pieces
And a memory… Or two…
In comes the subconscious!
The cocky snit
Knows it can’t be controlled
Sneaks into our speech
Turns reason irrational
Wreaks havoc on dreams
So even in sleep there is no peace
Even the hand twitches towards… Something…
Teases and tortures mind and heart
With what they’ve been trying to forget
Perhaps vengeful because it remembers all
Maybe not cocky…
Maybe lonely…
Abandoned
It brings the pieces of the soul back together
No longer separated by a strange harmony
Dissonant together

Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 2

It would seem that I’ve been stricken with a bout of insomnia. Here’s a poem I wrote another years past night when sleep evaded me.

*****

Dreaming

I wish I could not dream
Maybe then
I could forget my own mind
Forget the buried things
Or so I thought they were
The dreams are like spiders
Trolling through dust
Pulling back cobwebs
Until they catch the prey
That is my restless heart
Wrapped up in forgotten things
I can not free myself
From the memories
I have no choice
but to succumb to fate
Then maybe I will sleep

Mental Health

The Beckett Sisters

Have you seen the movie The Beckett Sisters? It stars Diane Keaton, Kathy Bates, and Barbara Streisand as three, somewhat strange, women in a small village. They may or may not be related, but they all have the same last name and the same supernatural powers. They can visit other realms at the snap of a finger. They can pull red and people roses from another world into the dreary, clouded fall off their small village. Each of the ladies has one child, all of whom are attempting to find this gift within themselves while struggling to come of age. It is a tale of jealousy, resentment, age-old quarrels among adults, and new ones along teenagers. With appearances from Charlie Heaton and Natalia Dyer, of Stranger Things, this is a film that teaches us…

…nothing. Because it just ends very abruptly. After I awoke, it too me several minutes to understand that I had dreamed the whole thing. This is a battle I often have, distinguishing dream from reality when I’m awake. I have to have conversations with myself to determine what is true or false. Unfortunately, that was only one of several very vivid dreams I had this night. It’s 0425, and I’m afraid to go back to sleep. As the dream fades, I’m not sure Kathy Bates was one of the three actresses, but it was a definitely a hell of a cast.

Aren’t sleep aids/antidepressants/antipsychotics just great? On top of the words and the do-loop of rumination that can’t get out of your head? Sleep on that.