Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 21/Sandman

I dreamed I was robbed along with a group of people. Everyone was very casual about it. I had the most go lose as I had two large checks in my wallet. In the dream, it’s acknowledged that I never do such things. No one cares. I can’t get through to the police. I can’t get through to the bank. My friends and family think it’s funny and my own fault. Even the robber follows me laughing. Dear subconscious, what was your endgame with this one? I finally managed to wake myself up. Now, I’m anxious and agitated.

*****

Mr. Sandman, I beg you
Stop bringing me dreams
They tear my mind asunder
Rip my heart out at the seams

Please, Mr. Sandman
Don’t sing me a song
Your lyrics grate on my ears
Keep me awake all night long

Mr. Sandman, I implore you
Turn off that magic beam
The light blinds and binds me
With wicked thoughts I teem

I wish you’d go Sandman,
But if you must stay
Let me dream of the dark of night
Then, maybe, I won’t wish you away

Mr. Sandman, dearest
It’s not you; it’s me
Until my addled mind settles
I ask you, love, to just let me be

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Poetry, Random

Awake, Part 20

I am an up and coming starlet
You won’t find me on the Walk of Fame just yet
Don’t worry, I’ll get there!
Luxury hotels on white sand beaches
That’s where we’re filming, of course
The leading man, Leo is his name
He and I are becoming intimate, shall we say
We’ve spent the last two days together
During every moment not on set…
On set! Listen to me!
As though I’m an oldie in the business
Instead of a budding actress
I’ll come into my own, you’ll see!
Some of the staff give me a hard time
How dare they! Jealous!
Not everyone can enjoy the success of others
They’ve had to move me to another room
Someone with seniority, you know
That’s ok, soon it will be me
Still I’m basking in the whole of this experience
There’s a message from Mharesa
Where is the dress check?
It’s on the big farm
Before the ball tonight
I must be on my way
But wait…
Alas, it was only another dream
I’ve awoken to my ordinary life
Sweating unglamorously in my bedsheets

Random

Awake, Part 19

Tangled in the sheets
Trying to outrun my dreams
Is there peaceful sleep

Tangled in the sheets
Trying to fill empty spaces
Where are you tonight

Tangled in the sheets
Trying to attain slumber
Is that the alarm

Damn

Random

Awake, Part 18

Dreams. I wish I couldn’t have them. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had dreamless sleep. My dreams keep getting stranger. Tonight was no different.

From senior year in high school to sometime during my second year of college (17-19), I had a best friend. We did everything together. She was in a sister congregation so the relationship meet with unconditional approval. Ultimately, though, for reasons I won’t go into at this early hour of the morning, the relationship failed and I walked away from it.

In the middle of that (at 18), I dated a guy five years older than me. He was also in the same sister congregation, but people gave me many warnings about him. I was enamored and didn’t listen. I gave up friends to be with him. It only lasted a couple months, but the drama lasted about five years. Again, I won’t go into the deals.

I don’t give either of them much thought and when I do, it’s quick and in passing.

So, why did I have an intense dream that involved both of them?? There were others from my own old congregation. People I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. Many were excited over my father’s ingenuity.

Now, my mind is consumed, wondering where this came from. I fear going back to sleep.

Isn’t it funny how we sometimes don’t know what our own mind is thinking? What it’s trying to tell us?

Random

Awake, Part 17

For once, I’m awake because it’s so early. Haven’t gotten around to trying to sleep yet.

I feel weird. I have this strange sense of being here, but feel somewhat disassociated from myself.

I can’t form thoughts.

I have writer’s block.

I’m not ready to sleep, but don’t know how to occupy myself.

I don’t want to read.

I don’t want to watch TV.

I don’t want to do anything, but I want to do SOMETHING.

Feeling less hopeful than I was yesterday. I’m not sure why.

I am thinking of you, HB, and wondering what I did to make you leave me. What I did to bore you.

I am thinking of everything and nothing.

I feel blank. No pun intended.

Random

Awake, Part 16

Middle of the night

I wake up sideways

My head is off the left side of the bed, my glasses are hanging out in the right side, my phone is nestled under a pillow my head has earlier claimed

Muffled nature sounds

Eventually I realize where I am

Attempt to right myself

Make my sheets look like someone sleeps in this bed instead of thrashing wildly

Even in slumber, I’m trying to outrun the past, prevent the potential future

Dreams always catch up, though

It might be fate to always sleep alone

Random

Awake, Part 15

I’ve done it again. Allowed a person into my life and heart, only to realize they’re intentions are not honorable and probably never were. Perhaps, there’s a sign on my forehead that says “punching bag.” It’s next to the ones that say “sunshine” and “tell me your whole life and I’ll fix you.”

Is this my purpose? To be what others need when they need it, then be discarded when everything is status quo again? To be a light for others? But the nature of light is that it’s always kept at a distance. It’s never fully embraced.

*shrug*

In other news, my friend told me she misses “her Lauren.” There fun one. The one that would stay out all night drinking. The happy one. Where’s she gone. I ask myself if I’m truly unhappy or if there things that interest me have changed. I honestly have no desire to be out all night anymore. I find myself becoming more introverted. The cacophony of a bar grates on my nerves and I can only handle a few hours before I’m just over it. But, maybe there’s some level of unhappiness too. I’m unsure. I need to analyze myself.

Mental Health

Awake, Part 14

Like many other nights, I’m wide awake long before I intend to get out of bed. You’re likely familiar with this. This is Part 14, after all…

For once, though, my mind is relatively quiet. I say relatively because those of us with depression, anxiety, and the like typically don’t know a truly quiet mind. In any case, I didn’t wake up in panic from my dreams (even though they were weird, as usual). I’m not in fear of going back to sleep. I’m not in fear of being awake with my thoughts.

For one blessed time, I’m just… Awake.

Progress?

Mental Health

Awake, Part 13

It seems not to matter what I do anymore. My biological clock has reset to be awake during these wee morning hours. So be it. At least, I can be productive now.

When I left group therapy almost as month ago, I was on a high. I had learned so much, connected with similarly-minded people. Sure, there were/are aspects of my life that needed changing, but still, I felt hope. It was a beautiful feeling. It was like an addiction.

I’m back in reality and it seems that high was fleeting. I long for it the way an addict long for a buzz. I miss that hopeful feeling. I feel myself slowly shutting down again. I take solace in the fact that writing it down is therapeutic and perhaps that will help me feel better.

It’s interesting what our individual “heroin” can be.

May all that has been reduced to noise in you become music again. I’m listening for the change from dissonance to harmony.

Random, Relationships

Awake, Part 12/On Dating

This is starting to become the norm – wide awake at zero dark with the thoughts in my head and the roaches hiding in the dark for company. Seriosuly, I went out to get some water and found two in the sink. Apartment living…


I finally had a breakdown last night over the last guy I dated. Cried for awhile. It is not the first time he’s made me cry. I took a break after him. I had no desire to date anyone. I’ll spare you all the details except to say that we had very similar personalities, but he was ultimately very selfish and I think, just scared of me. Our last day together was perfect and I will cherish that memory. That was over three months ago. I haven’t seen him since. I miss him, but it’s time to move on. I wonder if he reads this…

So, I’m back on a dating site! I’ve tried just about every one there is with minimal luck, so I just stick with the free ones. I have the same experience. I hate that society has come to this. Reality tv and online dating. There’s so much pressure to say the right thing, have the right pictures, so much pressure to impress over pixels. I miss meeting people organically, even if I wasn’t very good at it. Anyway, wish me luck!