Random, Relationships

Musings, Part Whatever

This is going to turn back into a more than poetry blog. I forgot that it was therapeutic to release my thoughts here.


I deleted my Twitter app today. Not my account. Just the app. I was suddenly hit with and disgusted by the facade.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Twitter. I’m off and on it and this during this last round (which was longer than most), I connected with many other poets. It was fun to bounce of the minds of others and be critiqued on my work.

But, much like most else, it’s not real.

I’ve realized that I go there in my low points. When I’m depressed and I want to distract myself. The thing that most love about Twitter is its anonymity. You can be whatever, say whatever, call yourself whatever. There’s so much PORN! It got to a point, where just about everyday, I ended up on the page of a new follower and immediately was like, woops!

There are great people there. There are a few folks I even consider friends. To what extent, though? I was talking with one of these friends. He had tweeted awhile back about having a Twitter party so we could all meet each other. I remember telling him that we should really do it. I brought it back up to him today. Really, I just wanted him to know that it would be cool to meet him. We’d become friends. He’d gotten me to open up. He said something very noncommittal and I was suddenly over it all. Not over him… He’s a good person, which just makes me more sad.

I’ve become friend, therapist, and inspiration to people. Even an instigator. At the end of the day, it doesn’t mean anything does it? So, why do we spend so much time on an app that ultimately gives us nothing? It’s a forum to let out the things we wouldn’t share on Facebook or in suitable, adult conversation. It’s where we can be more us. It’s where we can let our degenerate out. It’s the place where we know we’re all a little fucked up and it’s ok.

I can’t live there anymore.

I’ve been hurting. Deeply. Was it another asshat I went out with? Of course! You guys know that I love and I love hard. It hurts to lose a love interest, a friend, anyone really… Told myself I wouldn’t fall apart, but I did. At least, though, I told this one about himself. Why shouldn’t he know, even though he went back to his ex? Why shouldn’t he know that I saw what he would do before he did because I understood his feelings when he didn’t? Why shouldn’t he know that, for once, I thought someone chose me first, and it turned out, in the end… that he was never fully present, that he was always going to go back, whether it was me or some other girl? I just wish it was some other girl… Why should I carry the burden alone. He should know what he did. People need to understand the impact they have, the damage they do, whether they stick around for awhile or breeze in and out of your life like a gust of wind.

So, it’s probably time to stop wallowing. Get back to me. To reality. To life. To stop taking solace in an imaginary world full of real people I can’t ever know.

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Random, Relationships

Thoughts

I’ve discussed before the inherent nature in some of us to want to fix people. Do I let broken people into my life because I myself am broken? Do I believe that if I fix everyone else that I will somehow, vicariously, fix myself? Inevitably, though, what happens is we help, people leave, and we get hurt. People are toxic when they’re broken and they don’t know themselves. This includes us when we don’t know ourselves. So, they will walk all over you and hurt you and run.

I’m watching myself let this happen to me again…

Why?

I suppose it’s progress that I’m recognizing it and nipping it at the beginning. But, you know… It still hurts.

I feel cheap and alone.

Love, Relationships

Goodnight

Wishing you were here

To kiss me goodnight with your

Lips on my forehead

Love, Poetry, Relationships

Adoration/Colleen’s Weekly #TankaTuesday #Poetry Challenge

my adoration

for you blooms until I might

burst from the passion

with each passing season I’m

more irrevocably yours

See Colleen’s weekly challenge here.

Random, Relationships

Awake, Part 12/On Dating

This is starting to become the norm – wide awake at zero dark with the thoughts in my head and the roaches hiding in the dark for company. Seriosuly, I went out to get some water and found two in the sink. Apartment living…


I finally had a breakdown last night over the last guy I dated. Cried for awhile. It is not the first time he’s made me cry. I took a break after him. I had no desire to date anyone. I’ll spare you all the details except to say that we had very similar personalities, but he was ultimately very selfish and I think, just scared of me. Our last day together was perfect and I will cherish that memory. That was over three months ago. I haven’t seen him since. I miss him, but it’s time to move on. I wonder if he reads this…

So, I’m back on a dating site! I’ve tried just about every one there is with minimal luck, so I just stick with the free ones. I have the same experience. I hate that society has come to this. Reality tv and online dating. There’s so much pressure to say the right thing, have the right pictures, so much pressure to impress over pixels. I miss meeting people organically, even if I wasn’t very good at it. Anyway, wish me luck!

Poetry, Relationships

Telepathy

I wish I was a Professor X
Or a Class Five mutant
Like Jean Grey
I’ll never be a redhead
But, I could speak into your mind
You have no Magneto helmet
To block my thoughts
I want you to know that I think of you
That I still crave you
I want you to know what you did to me
The agony I am in
I want you to know the pain you caused me
That won’t seem to recede
I am afraid to trust
I am afraid to love
I am afraid to like
I am afraid to be
I want you to how it’s been
Since you abandoned me
To look for and chase after
What you left behind

Love, Relationships

Awake, Part 11

As I’m listening to the bells of the cathedral, I am thinking of your voice

As much therapy as I’ve done and as much effort as I make to move forward, I find myself perpetually teary-eyed, depressed, and squirmish over anything to do with love and relationships. Half of the posts I read make me pout either out of sadness or envy (some of you are going through some tough shit). I can’t watch Love Actually (partly because of the love thing and partly because of the Christmas thing, but that’s for another post). An episode of Star Trek had me near tears. Let me stop and expand here – potential spoilers. It was fascinating to me to watch a human, raised by Vulcans, with deep-seated logic and a rejection of emotion, find herself falling for another human. On the one hand, it’s beautiful. She had transcended all of her ingrained teaching to experience human love and though it is complicated, she is trying to embrace it. She went back in time to save this man. If that’s not love… Oh, and he likes her back! Because isn’t that how this stuff goes?

Not really.

I don’t know if I’m simply unlucky or just doing it wrong. I’ve had men tell me they’re undeserving of me and my company since I was 22. I don’t know if they truly feel some perceived inadequacy beside me, or if they choose not to discuss my faults with me. In any case, the sentiment is a cowardly one and leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, wondering what is unlovable about me.

Of course, I recognize I’m continually in the middle of this chaos with the wrong man. Oh, it’s not on purpose. I’ve tried many avenues. Organic meetings, work, literally every dating site out there. Things start out good. People trust me. I trust them. I inevitably get attached. And even more inevitable, these men turn out to be damaged, broken, and ultimately terrified of being with me. I say being with me, not being in a relationship. They love to be with me. They love having me as a friend. They WANT me in their lives, but they want to F**K someone else. They always tell me how amazing Lauren is, but apparently, that’s not enough.

I may have shared this before. The last guy I was with told me that because of my intelligence, I probably attract the complicated sort. I told him that was unfair because I will not change who I am to attract someone uncomplicated. Upon further inspection, brought upon by his actions, I’ve found that no man I’ve been relatively serious with has been that complicated, if at all, but ultimately petulant and unfamiliar with themselves. So, they want to explore, but I mustn’t go away.

I submit for edit my earlier statement. They don’t WANT me in their lives. They NEED me. They need to friend zone me and string me along because I’m a bottle of sunshine and they feel better with me. More powerful. Something. I really don’t know. I do know that I’ve been so deeply hurt by the last two men I was with, these two men who want so much to be friends, but fault me for nothing relationship-wise, that I’ve deleted all my profiles and I have no interest in dating. Taking a break.

I need to pick better. I would love to find someone with their head, maybe not on straight, but at least close to the angle of mine own. Someone who doesn’t NEED me for whatever dark or selfish purpose that they’re probably unaware of (because they don’t know themselves), but someone who just WANTS to be with me because I’m me and that’s ok.

I’m looking for you, dude. Where are you?

Love, Mental Health, Relationships

Trust and Toxicity

What is it that makes us hold on to the people that are the absolute worst, the most toxic to our lives, just plain no good for us?

Consider my own personal experiences. I connect with very few people. So, when I do, I’m ALL IN. I don’t know how else to be. Usually, the people I connect with are the same. Then the red flags start getting thrown. But, I say, “Oh, it’ll be ok,” or “I can’t judge. I have the same issues,” or “No one is perfect. I have to accept some faults.” I keep saying this until I have been brutally and deeply hurt and that person has abandoned me. I keep saying this while my rational mind tells me to let go but my irrational one tells me that their bullshit shouldn’t dictate my actions and I should continue to be a good friend. I keep telling myself this long past what is healthy and sensible. And after I finally let go, I still struggle to stay away because, as I said, I don’t know how to go all in.

I’ve realized what my personality type is and how I approach friendships and relationships with friends or family will probably not change. This means that I will take disappointments hard and I need my time to grieve after each failed attempt. That’s ok. But, I still haven’t figured out when to start that grieving process at a suitable point in time. I haven’t figured out when to kick a toxic person out on their ass.

Ironically, though, I’ll be ready to kick out a good person. Take this for instance. One of my friends misinterpreted something I said. Rather, she chose to do so because she was in a bad mood and had had a trying previous few days. She reprimanded me 1) unnecessarily, and 2) in front of a group of people. My initial reaction was, “What the f**k was that?” I started thinking to myself I have to pull away, I’ve gotten to close to this person, they’re going to hurt me, we can be cordial, but we can’t be close friends. Then, I did what I often do not do in this situation. I stepped back and relaxed. I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad. The next morning, I told her I understood her frustrations and I forgave her. She was very apologetic. This was progress for me and I thought I had moved on. We hung out a few days later. I realized that I was holding back things I had planned to share (I had just had a breakthrough in group therapy). It took me a couple hours to tell myself to chill out and trust her. She had already apologized several more times during the day. I shared what was on my mind and I felt better. Later, she thanked me for not divorcing her as a friend. But, honestly, there was no reason to. A couple years ago, though, I wouldn’t have been able to get through such a situation nearly so quickly.

I realized that the toxic people that I have kept in my life, the ones that I still feel emotionally attached to, have made me afraid to trust the decent people that come my way. So, I’m more likely to push them away out of fear that they will hurt or leave me and instead stay with the people who DO hurt and leave me, thinking I can fix them. This is my safe place. But, really, it isn’t safe, is it? These actions also keep my depression and anxiety at a high.  I’ve realized that, while it might make me a little sad and restless, it’s healthier for me to have an evening home alone, then continue in relationships with people that are just complete shit. It’s a struggle, though!! Fortunately, this aspect of my life is a work in progress.

What’s your experience? Share with me?

Love, Mental Health, Movies, Relationships

Movie Depth: Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

This will be the first movie review that I blog. So far, the blog has focused mostly on mental health, but my intent is for it to be a little of everything going forward. My movie reviews will not be traditional ones, in the sense that I am not going to do a rundown of the plot and how well the aspects of the film did or did not fit together cohesively. I simply just want to share my thoughts and feelings from the film. Here goes…

*****

I watched Moonrise Kingdom for the first time a couple years ago. I remember being excited at the prospect of it when it first came out. With Bill Murray, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Frances McDormand, and appearances by Tilda Swinton and Harvey Keitel, it boasts one hell of a cast. Alas, I procrastinated.

When I finally did see it, I was so overwhelmed by its simplistic beauty that I could not fully process it. I just knew that I needed to watch it again.

I finally watched it again last night. I still find the film absolutely beautiful to the point that I teared up slightly when it was over. Plus, the combination of classical music, country songs by Hank Williams, and original score by Alexandre Desplat (he did Harry Potter!) made for an amazing soundtrack that rustles the soul.

Moonrise Kingdom is a coming-of-age romantic comedy/drama that follows Sam Shakusky and Suzy Bishop, twelve-year old children living on the 16-mile long island of New Penzance in 1965. Sam and Suzy are both friendless and outcast among family, but immediately connect when they meet each other at a play. They become pen pals, writing letters that span a year. They decide to run away together for ten days, to discover the island and each other. In that span of time, they’re deep friendship blossoms into love and they desire to be together forever. There are several other aspects surrounding their lives and family that are important to the film, but I choose to focus on Sam and Suzy’s deep-seated love for each other.

Do you remember or have you ever known a time when love was that easy? Sam and Suzy met, stayed in touch via written communication (a lost art), and finally and simply decide to be together. At one point in the movie, they decide to get married. They are urged and begged by another one of the khaki scouts to take time to think about whether they should get married, as it’s not a decision to be taken lightly. Sam and Suzy take less than five minutes to decide, with no regrets.

Now, obviously, we cannot let 12-years old get married because they truly don’t understand the gravity it or have the means to care for each other without help. But, it’s interesting to think on how much more complicated we make these decisions as adults… Is it the right time to date? Am I really in love? I’ve only known this person for aa few days, but I’m already wondering if I can be with them for the rest of my life and scaring myself away. Should I even be thinking about that so soon? Should I wait years to admit my feelings? Who should say I love you first? Does everything change after marriage? Should I even bother with getting married? Who needs a piece of paper? Blah blah… blah blah blah. Before we know it, we’ve ruined a perfectly good thing before we even get the chance to have it.

If this movie taught me anything, it’s to seize the moment. Sam and Suzy may not end up together forever. They might grow up and grow apart. But, in that moment on Moonrise Kingdom, they were happy together and love with each other. They cared for each other, wanted to do anything to be together, and were ready to die for each other. They lived the moment, without dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. The anxious adult that I have become is jealous of this and wonders if I’ve ever had a moment that I could describe as encompassing such simplicity and clarity.

On a more personal note, Sam and Suzy are both described as being “emotionally disturbed” children. Their parents did not know how to deal with them. Other children chose (yes, chose) not to like them because they did not understand them. In my battles with depression and anxiety, I’ve looked back and realized that this was often the case in my own life. I chose to retreat with myself more often than not. I know I gave my parents a hell of time and probably, still do. We all have problems, some of us more than others. But, that doesn’t mean, as dismal as the prospect sometimes seems, that there isn’t someone out there for us. We all deserve to be happy. Sam and Suzy eventually gain the respect and favor of other khaki troop members, who ultimately help them stay together out of remorse for their previous behavior. Their parents might never approve of their relationship but THEY do, and they are beautifully ecstatic in it.

Simplify your mind. You might find love where you weren’t looking for it or where it’s always been.

Love, Relationships

Awake

Can’t sleep. It’s really frustrating because I have a long day tomorrow. Well, shit, it’s after midnight now… So, a long day ahead.

I’m thinking about unrequited love or like. I keep saying I won’t think about him. Or the other one. Or, goodness, that one… Damn it. Wide awake, though. My thoughts are filled with possibilities that I will never have the chance to know.

What scares people away? Sometimes, I think it’s me. Usually, though, I end up being that person everyone comes back to saying, “hey, you’re a really amazing woman and a great friend.” Something to that effect, anyway. Apparently, that frightens people? Confused.

It is hard to maintain self-worth, especially when you don’t know what went wrong. One moment, you’re having a perfect day. The next… What the hell happened? Oh, it’s you? It’s not me. You don’t want to hurt me. Guess what? It’s too late now. F**k you.

Nature sounds. Rivers and oceans and rain and thunder. ZZZquil. Late hour. Still awake. And I have no whiskey to drink.