Ashes, Part 4

Buried in ash
Unrecognizable to you
Even more to myself
The phoenixes rise around me
Imagine the fire
Their light is too bright
Too full of meaning
Resplendent reminders of my shortcomings
I burrow deeper in shadow
As wings beat down my soft, shy song
Fear takes over
With it the notion
That my beauty will never be seen
Hidden away until I fade away
I will never rise from ashes
I am unknown


I think…

Hey y’all… I’m still alive

I think
That I finally don’t love you
I think
That you don’t permeate me
My thoughts and feelings
I think
That I finally don’t miss you
You are now a memory
In the cobwebs of my mind
Not an ever present source of regret
In the confines of my heart
No, not regret exactly
For a life without knowing you
Without the ecstasy you bring
Without the arch in my back
From your touch in the right spot
Would’ve been a life lacking
I think
That I know who I am without you
I think I know who I could be

I think I finally don’t love you
I think



Hey all! Sorry, I’ve been away. Trying to get my head and heart right. Life’s a struggle…

I feel your shadow
The burn from your touch lingers
In this self-made hell
God or Devil
Grant me indifference
Sentence me to purgatory
So that I might see your face
And feel nothing


The Silence

No words for me, my love?
Must you continue in silence?

You could tell me you never should’ve abandoned me, that you miss the feel of me in your arms and the way it felt when I caressed your face

You could tell me that you long to kiss me deeply and make long, intense, body-shaking love to make up for lost time

You could tell me you feel nothing for me, that you never did and you never will, that you used me to pass the time

You could insult me, call me names, tell me I’m not the one, break my heart all over again

You could tell me truths
You could tell me lies

You could say anything

This quiet torments me like being lost and alone in the dark on a moonless night, unable to see, afraid to move forward, unwilling to move at all

You trapped me here… Clever of you. Are you watching me through unfeeling, glass eyes? I think you like this game.

I’m trying to find my way out
I softly, tentatively whisper into the black ink of night

No words for me, my love?


A Samson of Sorts

You were my Delilah, in a way

Deceived me with words of affection while you plotted against me

When you left, I shaved my own head and became something less than ordinary

Gouge my eyes out, please, I would not look upon the false pity of others, their momentary concern

I cannot bring down any pillars save one, myself, for I am not the pillar of strength everyone believes me to be and I cannot feign confidence anymore

This pillar will crumble to the ground and I’ll be the only victim because the onlookers will step carefully aside

They will offer no assistance but watch me tear myself down with marked disinterest

As I lie bleeding and dying, I note that my hair has begun to grow back, but it is too late

All that I was went with my hair and with you and I postulate that this perhaps means I was nothing to begin with

Nothing but a malleable, gullible puppet whose only gift (crime?) was loving you


Empty Spaces

When I wake
I expect to see you lying beside me
I would watch the rise and fall of your breathing
Watch you smile while you dream

When I shower
I expect you to climb in behind me
Mold yourself to my naked body
Keep me wet and warm

When I open my door
I expect to see you standing there
Not with gifts, but hand outstretched
Waiting for me to meet the day

When I come home
I expect you to welcome me
Brush away the cares of the world
With a light caress

With your kiss
I would remember myself
Forget everything that matters not

As I move, though
I’m met with empty spaces
Where I wish you were
Accosted by shadows
Playing at memories long dead

Inside and outside of my skin
Everywhere is empty
I feel little and broken



Bone cold

I want your arms around me
I reject the idea
That I will never have that warmth again
But the cold in my bones says otherwise


Untitled, Part 2

What good would crying do
Staining my bedsheets black
With bile and ink from my eyes
I lay my head down to sleep
I dream a dream of you
In the tears I shed for you



I want to tell you
How much I miss you
But I know we mustn’t speak

I want to hold you
Wrap my arms around your naked body
Like I used to do
But we’ll never have those moments again

Thoughts of you fill every open cavity of my brain
But I know
That you probably never spare a thought for me
Maybe you can spare some change?
I could use a little
I could use some respite
From thinking of you every waking moment
When you’ve long since forgotten me



Are we ruined?
Perhaps not
But we are most assuredly
Only washing my heart
In tears
Will clear away the ink