Joker/Life Updates

Last we see each other
Was the last I saw your face

That night…
I both cherish and hate it
I had you again
I lost you again
Just as quickly
Because you were never meant to be mine

I am your friend
Your silent lover
Your forever secret
I am the background
Watching and caring for you
While you live in the foreground
With someone else

She does not know
She never will know
You will not tell her

Finally, you have admitted love
It was all I needed
To realize I do not want it

You are comfortable
Now I see, also cowardly

I was distraught
Now I see, decadent

Last we saw each other
Was the last I saw your face
You paint your face for the world
You pretend it is your real face
But, I know who you are
I’ve always seen you

Will she?
Will you?

I thank everyone who has continued to follow me through this last year where I’ve been nearly out of my mind. Not just my close friends, but the ones in my WP family who have become dear (I love you, Ruth!). This poem represents a couple days of epiphanies. I have always struggled to know my own self-worth, my own goodness. To know that I am deserving of proper treatment and respect. This weekend a man that I loved (and admittedly still love) finally told me, after 2.5 years that he loved me back. His girlfriend of now almost two years was standing about 5 feet away… It was the one thing I had wanted to hear from him. Over the course of the next couple days, though, I realized… that it was not the kind of love I wanted. He keeps me a secret from her because he’s afraid of losing her. He’s afraid of losing me, so he strings me along. He keeps me a secret from everyone. Even if he does truly love me, is that really the kind of love that I want? No. And I realize that I’ve subjected myself to this over and over again. I’ve loved men who have loved me back, but have been too scared of being with me, or too comfortable in relationships that they (obviously) didn’t want to be in to be with me. And I’ve been consistently left alone, while being told how awesome and amazing I am. While being friend zoned. While constantly being told I’m needed, but never feeling wanted. I’m finally done. I’m a few days shy of my 33rd birthday and I realize that I deserve to have people in my life that aren’t afraid to love me – not just men, but friends and family. I deserve people who love me unconditionally, accept me for who I am.

I have two engineering degrees – a rarity for a black woman. I was the first black and the youngest President of the Board of Directors of the Craven Arts Council and Gallery in New Bern, NC (look it up!). I made friends with the mayor there. I am the Commanding Officer of a Star Trek Club and a Starfleet International Captain. I’m in Star Trek fan films and have my own IMDb page (look it up!). There are people that love and care about me and I live a pretty cool life, even if some changes are needed. I’m pretty fucking awesome. I just needed an asshat to tell me he loved me to realize it… Now, I want nothing more to do with him, or any of them.

Love to you all!! I will work on being more frequent again. Challenge me, please, with prompts, etc.

9 thoughts on “Joker/Life Updates”

  1. I don’t think I’m seeing everyone in my reader… I’ll have to make sure I look at them. ๐Ÿ˜


  2. Love is messy, and you are absolutely right that you need someone who loves you the way you love him.

    Way to go on all the achievements, too! The Star Trek ones are the most important. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

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