I say Part 1 because I am sure there will be more.
I’ve spent the last few days trying to gather my thoughts and while they still don’t form a coherent pattern. I will try to get them out here.
The only word I can find to even remotely adequately describe my feelings is distress.
I spent all of Wednesday watching CNN, well flipping between that and cartoons so I would be less upset. I can only marvel at how divided this country has become. In the last two weeks, there have been four shootings and I damn near fear going outside. More than that, though, what is it that emboldens people recently? There is so much divisive rhetoric being thrown around, so much hatred – is it any wonder that people are acting this way? Why is everyone so hush hush on mental health and gun control until another one of these incidents happens again? I want to have a child, but can I raise one in this ever devolving state of humanity? I don’t know. I tend not to comment on politics, especially recently, because everyone gets so defensive. One can’t have opinions anymore. This is as close as I’m getting and it should be enough to say that I hope this all ends soon. Yet, I fear it will only get worse before it does.
I lack motivation, lately, because what’s the point? That sounds nihilistic. Let me do a dangerous thing and share some feelings on work (some of my coworkers read this). A little over a year ago this time, I put everything I had into my work, to the detriment of my personal life. I worked overtime. I worked nights, weekends, and holidays. I put my heart and soul into it. I was handled a pile of shit and told to unfuck it so that’s what I did. I don’t do anything half-assed. But, I got to vocal about issues, Got to challenging. Didn’t get along with the right people. This wasn’t out of spite or vindictiveness. It was because I cared about the program and the people I was supporting. But, all my hard work wasn’t enough. I became worn down, unhappy, miserable and requested removal, but was then very unceremoniously, forceably removed because of, ultimately, people’s insecurities. And I broke down. I’ve seen what happens to people who speak out, so I’ve, rather uncharacteristically, been keeping my head down and my mouth shut. I telework a couple days a week. My boss doesn’t notice and I don’t tell him. I do the absolute bare minimum on my current program. My lead pulled me in just this past Thursday to tell me how great a job I’m doing and ask for my input on some reorganization. My jaw hit the floor. It bothers me from a standpoint of moral integrity that my spirit is so broken that I can’t put the level of effort into my work that I did before. I wish I could, but I have no passion and I’ve embraced the completely opposite end of the spectrum from where I was before. It bothers me professionally that it DOESN’T MATTER. So, I wonder why I ever bothered to do more than the minimum in the first place? But, how can I be just like everyone else that doesn’t care?
It’s been just over and under a year since a number of things in my life happened that contributed to my complete mental breakdown earlier this year. I lost a bunch of friends that didn’t support me when I needed them. I lost a man that I love because we both made mistakes, but he chose someone else over me. There have been all manner of issues involving friends, family, and work. They’re all haunting me. Some of it’s guilt. Some of it’s disgust. Some of it’s disappointment. Most of it is now fear. I don’t know how to process loss, even less how to move on from it. I’m a victim of rumination and obsessive thinking and I’m always trying to fix things in my head, understand how they broke, figure out how to make it better. But, that can’t always happen and that pains me. I don’t like people all that much, but once I connect, I love hard. I don’t often trust, but when I do I trust hard. I don’t give of myself often, but when I do, I give everything. Now I’m afraid to love or trust or give. I’m so scared.
The last two men in my life – I haven’t gotten over them. And it has taken me some time to realize I haven’t gotten over them. One I loved, but he didn’t have time for me and he decided to love someone else. He wants me around, though, to be his friend because I’m such a good friend. The other I lost because he was selfish and scared. I could have loved him if he’d let me. There was so much potential there. I miss them and they are the inspiration for a lot of what you see me write. On the other hand, I hate myself for feeling this way because at the end of the day, neither of them were kind to me and I shouldn’t give them any more thought. My rational mind tells me this. But damn it, the heart doesn’t like to let go.
I’m looking for camaraderie, but I seem to be looking for it in the wrong places. I seek out people, clubs with similar interests so that I can have fun with like-minded people. But here’s what always happens. Someone says, “hey, you’re an excellent leader.” So, all the responsibilities get piled onto my lap and then I get abandoned. Then, it’s not fun anymore. Why do people always leave?
Too often, I feel used, betrayed, and just plain stupid for allowing it to happen over and over and over again…
I saw Bohemian Rhapsody last night. Alone. I hadn’t taken myself to the movies in months even though it’s one of the things that I love doing. A side effect of depression, I suppose. It was not a great movie. (I’m sure that had something to do with allowing Bryan Singer to direct, That guy basically ruined the X-Men franchise.) That being said, it was a look, albeit a cliche one, into how loneliness can be. For that reason, I was damn near tears throughout it. I feel very much that way right now. Freddie found his way, though. I can fine mine, eventually. Maybe.
I’m sitting back right now… watching everything. I’m still working on my health. Updates for you guys on Sober November. I’ve been hiding the scale from myself, but I’m down a pound and a half (it takes forever for us women to get going). I’m not drinking and I’m back in the gym. It hurts, but it’s good. Outside of that I feel like many things are missing. Maybe once I get myself together, it will all fall into place. I don’t know and I’m increasingly losing faith in that sentiment.
I do know that a change is needed and it’s needed soon. How big or how little that change is, I don’t know. I have no intention of leaving Florida anytime soon (for those that were worried). But, I’m ready for something very different. I’m ready to explore other parts of myself and what’s around me. I was reading a post by Dorothy (deyspublishing) about not taking root in places. That’s definitely been me. I often don’t stay one place long enough to take root. Sometimes, though, even when you do hang around long enough, you still don’t take root. Is it a lack of emotion? Is it fear? Is it the wrong place? Not sure what the case is here, but I still don’t feel like I have my feet planted firmly in the ground. That might be very obvious by the fact that I’ve had my stem so broken. Or perhaps it’s a feeling of being ripped out of the ground. Either way…
In any case, it was good to get this out and I welcome your thoughts if you have any. I have to go to the gym 🙂