Perhaps if I get it all out in writing, I’ll feel better. It won’t all be in my head. So, here goes my rambling. If you read it, you’re a trooper and I love you.
I feel ugly. I cut off all my hair. Decided to go natural. Everyone loves it. I love it because I don’t have to mess with my hair in the morning. But, I’m still getting used to it and don’t always feel like myself. I’m fat. In high school, I hovered around 185 pounds. I was made fun of for my weight thoughtout all my school days. In college, I got down to 155 pounds. Then, I began to work. Take antidepressants. Take birth control. Blew up. At my largest, I was 285 pounds. I stopped taking birth control and antidepressants. Got braces. Determined I was going to lose all the weight and managed to lose 93 pounds. I wasn’t quite at my goal, but I felt great. But, my depression and anxiety started to flare up again. Back on antidepressants I went. I’ve gained almost 40 pounds back. I feel gross. I feel disgusting. I feel unattractive.
I feel worthless. I wish the majority of people I know didn’t end up hurting me. I really liked a guy. He really likes me. He has a girlfriend. So, why tell me he’s into me? I told him we shouldn’t have anymore inappropriate conversation because I genuinely liked him. He hasn’t spoken to me since. We’ve been friends for years. But, now that I think about it… have we? I’ve always been the one to care, to check on him, to make sure he was ok, to love him as a friend for who he was. Now, we’re not friends because I’ve realized he’s a piece of shit. Another son of a bitch that wanted a side piece. Not me. I’m tired of that life. I’m tired of being used. I deserve more than that. But, I can’t help but feel like I’m not worth any man’s time.
I feel tired. I’ve been lethargic in a way that I’ve never been before. I can’t even get out of bed in the morning. I started weaning myself off of antidepressants and surprisingly, I feel better. Why do we take meds to feel better when ultimately we just become accustomed to them? The doctors just say increase your dosage, try something different. Well, I’m sick of doing that. I’d rather just not take them.
I feel a myriad of other things that I cannot put into words. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I’m doing. I feel like a shadow of myself. I used to smile more. I used to enjoy life more. I had more energy. Today, I feel like I’m just bouncing on the wind, going wherever it takes me, but not caring where I end up.