Random

Predictable

I’m not entirely sure how to capture the thoughts and feelings that are on my heart at the moment. So, I will start with a story that I think scratches the surface.

A couple years back, when I was living in NC, I was out at the local bar. I was in the midst of weight loss and myself on my own specific diet. Hot dogs with no buns and Apple Crown at this particular establishment. Before I could order, the bartender spouted of my usual. I was surprised. She said to me, “you’re predictable.” I don’t know why, but this deeply hurt me. I actually wanted to cry. I mentioned it to one of my friends and he was in agreement. He then told me I was an alcoholic, so I’m not sure I could put stock in his opinion. I remember being vastly irritated by the situation

So, I’m sitting at the bar tonight having dinner and a drink and I overhear the conversation of two ladies next to me – something that didn’t take any considerable effort. One of them mentioned predictability and it brought this memory to the surface. Then, I thought about how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks, hell the last year – bored, depressed, lonely, melancholy – and I started seeing the truth of something I would like to deny.

I’m predictable. But why? What’s made me this way?

I don’t think it’s intentional, but simply a rut I’ve gotten myself into. As a child, I did (mostly) what I was told. I was expected to be ladylike (though I love cursing and being in comfortable sweatpants). I was expected to be the best in my class (which I was to the detriment of my health). I was expected to adhere to the strict specifics of religion (though I didn’t believe any of it). I thought that when I was removed from this situation, that I would be a completely different person. A risk-taker. Someone who was wild and free. A person who brings the fucking ruckus to a party (I was told this once, actually). In some respects, I have changed. In others, I’ve stood absolutely still and let life and people pass me by.

This past weekend was a four-day weekend for me. I did absolutely nothing. I had no one to call or hang out with. I had no plans. I was restless and agitated and sick of being with myself. I fell deep into depression (partially spurred by PMS) and was miserable. Ironically, I went out briefly Friday night with one of my friends that I had missed seeing. After a couple hours, though, I didn’t want to be there anymore. It could’ve been that we hang out there all the time (predictable). It could’ve been the cacophony of a bowling alley/bar (which I can only handle so much of). It could’ve been that I was watching a bartender I like work with his girlfriend (a bartender who, mind you, confessed his feelings for me only a couple weeks ago, but I know nothing will ever come of it and here I am in the same situation I am with every guy – waiting on them and their bullshit). It could’ve been any or none of those things, but I went home. I spent the rest of the weekend pretty much with myself.

Some time Sunday or Monday, it occurred to me that I did the exact same thing last Labor Day weekend. I had gotten so caught up in work and reaching a major milestone that I hadn’t taken any time for my personal life. I hadn’t thought about it. I spent four days alone binge watching Hulu and Netflix and wondering how this had happened. A year later, I’m doing the same thing.

What happened to me? Or rather, what didn’t?

It’s not that I’m not a risk-taker. Hell, I’ve jumped out of a plane. I just don’t seem to find any risks that I want to take.

It’s not that I’m a loner. I love my friends. But when the depression and the introversion get me, I would rather be at home.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy working. Well… usually. It’s just that right now, I’m not overly fond of my job and I’d rather not be there.

It’s not that I want to be home alone in my apartment. I just don’t put any energy into thinking about what to do instead.

It’s not that I don’t want to date. It’s not that I think I won’t find “the one.” It’s that I’ve been so hurt by the last couple guys, so deeply hurt, that I don’t want to put the energy into dating right now. I’d rather meet somone organically.

I realize that all these things that it’s not and it is contribute to monotony. To predictability. Some people might envy this. You shouldn’t.

You know whose fault it is? Mine and mine alone.

It’s my own fault that as much as I love to write and be creative, that I don’t search out other like-minded people and go to that open mic a friend took me to once so that I can connect with people.

It’s my own fault that I go to the same restuarant because it’s easy even though it gives me no new fare, no new experience, and doesn’t help me lose the weight I so desparately want to shed.

It’s my own fault that I chose a career that I didn’t really want just for the money and that I’ve been in it for almost ten years because it’s relatively comfortable, even if I have transferred to locations across states.

It’s my own fault that I watch cartoons all day long instead of picking back up my long-time hobbies of going out to or watching movies or reading a good book, I’m killing brainn cells instead of feeding them.

It’s my own fault that I’m not making new friends because I’m stuck in the past on the things I’ve done wrong and the friends that I’ve lost. (I wrote this poem to describe what waiting on people you think will be in your life forever ends up like. Also, Lauren doesn’t drink vodka anymore. It results in bad decisions that result in rumination and anxiety.)

It’s my own fault that I’m sitting on my bed writing this article to you about how I seem to be doing nothing with my life. It’s not that I’m doing any wrong. But, I’m also not doing anything. That is a problem.

So, what should I do? Perhaps all the things that I keep thinking about doing. Get more tattoos, travel to foreign countries, read my poetry out loud, share more of myself with others, explore new places and things, make new friends. After all, I live in the happiest place on earth (Orlando). There’s plenty to do.

There’s plenty of life to live and I’m not living it.

So, I’ve gotten a few new tattoos, I’ve moved to a new apartment, I’ve redecorated to create a more inviting, cozy, bright space, and I’ve buzzed my head. But that’s certainly not enough.

Time to fly.

What would you do if you realized it was time for a change? If you realized you had been stagnant (or currently are) and you needed to get yourself out of a rut? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

13 thoughts on “Predictable”

  1. I’d do the opposite of what I usually do on a Thursday night. Or whatever night of the week I find myself doing absolutely jack squat. I’d dress the opposite. Eat the opposite. Just make it an all around opposite day. Go for broke. Just be another you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I really appreciate this write from you. there is so much to process from your words. But I have an overall feeling that we are restless in our own skin, our predictability is our way to balance that restlessness. I don’t ever think it’s a bad thing to be predictable, also means people appreciate our momentum in their lives. It gives me a sense of bearing. you words run really deep from the heart and soul that’s reflecting on how to be better for you and the people around you. so well written

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are always so kind. Thank you for reading all of that. I agree that being predictable is not always a bad thing but sometimes society can make us feel that way.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. yes that is very true and I am probably a silent rebel and always do my own thing no matter how weird the world thinks I am -predictable or not I have my own music to dance to and I think so do you

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The fact that you are making changes show your true character! You are strong! You have identified the areas of your life that aren’t making you happy. Now you are working on making changes! Excellent and victorious!

    It would be so easy to stay “in the rut”.
    You are pushing through your depression and moving forward!

    Pat yourself on the back! Be proud of each step you take.

    I’m at the point of identifying my rut!
    Making the list of changes that need to happen!
    I took a leap of faith and just self published a photography and prose book in Amazon.com!
    Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

    Blogging about our lives is a plus! We are putting it out there!
    Giving hope to others that are experiencing the same thing!

    I say BRAVO!
    Keep up the great work!

    ❤️😘

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Gosh! you live in Orlando??? I lived there from 2007 uptil 2015 and dated many. Wish dated someone like you too during that period 🙂 But its better to see your deepest thoughts via this blog. My favorite spot for the first date in Orlando used to be Starbucks in Lee Vista near airport on Semoran Blvd. Re new ideas for you, I think a world tour for at least a decade will enrich your being a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I globe-trotted alone for more than 2 decades. It changed me (positively) giving me a million ways to look at anything with a very open mind, being thankful for who and wherever I am. You can do it too without having to wait on someone to join you as this life is too short to see, feel and enrich ourselves with such a vast planet. Oops… that was a long comment 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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