As I’m listening to the bells of the cathedral, I am thinking of your voice
As much therapy as I’ve done and as much effort as I make to move forward, I find myself perpetually teary-eyed, depressed, and squirmish over anything to do with love and relationships. Half of the posts I read make me pout either out of sadness or envy (some of you are going through some tough shit). I can’t watch Love Actually (partly because of the love thing and partly because of the Christmas thing, but that’s for another post). An episode of Star Trek had me near tears. Let me stop and expand here – potential spoilers. It was fascinating to me to watch a human, raised by Vulcans, with deep-seated logic and a rejection of emotion, find herself falling for another human. On the one hand, it’s beautiful. She had transcended all of her ingrained teaching to experience human love and though it is complicated, she is trying to embrace it. She went back in time to save this man. If that’s not love… Oh, and he likes her back! Because isn’t that how this stuff goes?
I don’t know if I’m simply unlucky or just doing it wrong. I’ve had men tell me they’re undeserving of me and my company since I was 22. I don’t know if they truly feel some perceived inadequacy beside me, or if they choose not to discuss my faults with me. In any case, the sentiment is a cowardly one and leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, wondering what is unlovable about me.
Of course, I recognize I’m continually in the middle of this chaos with the wrong man. Oh, it’s not on purpose. I’ve tried many avenues. Organic meetings, work, literally every dating site out there. Things start out good. People trust me. I trust them. I inevitably get attached. And even more inevitable, these men turn out to be damaged, broken, and ultimately terrified of being with me. I say being with me, not being in a relationship. They love to be with me. They love having me as a friend. They WANT me in their lives, but they want to F**K someone else. They always tell me how amazing Lauren is, but apparently, that’s not enough.
I may have shared this before. The last guy I was with told me that because of my intelligence, I probably attract the complicated sort. I told him that was unfair because I will not change who I am to attract someone uncomplicated. Upon further inspection, brought upon by his actions, I’ve found that no man I’ve been relatively serious with has been that complicated, if at all, but ultimately petulant and unfamiliar with themselves. So, they want to explore, but I mustn’t go away.
I submit for edit my earlier statement. They don’t WANT me in their lives. They NEED me. They need to friend zone me and string me along because I’m a bottle of sunshine and they feel better with me. More powerful. Something. I really don’t know. I do know that I’ve been so deeply hurt by the last two men I was with, these two men who want so much to be friends, but fault me for nothing relationship-wise, that I’ve deleted all my profiles and I have no interest in dating. Taking a break.
I need to pick better. I would love to find someone with their head, maybe not on straight, but at least close to the angle of mine own. Someone who doesn’t NEED me for whatever dark or selfish purpose that they’re probably unaware of (because they don’t know themselves), but someone who just WANTS to be with me because I’m me and that’s ok.
I’m looking for you, dude. Where are you?