Love, Mental Health, Relationships

Trust and Toxicity

What is it that makes us hold on to the people that are the absolute worst, the most toxic to our lives, just plain no good for us?

Consider my own personal experiences. I connect with very few people. So, when I do, I’m ALL IN. I don’t know how else to be. Usually, the people I connect with are the same. Then the red flags start getting thrown. But, I say, “Oh, it’ll be ok,” or “I can’t judge. I have the same issues,” or “No one is perfect. I have to accept some faults.” I keep saying this until I have been brutally and deeply hurt and that person has abandoned me. I keep saying this while my rational mind tells me to let go but my irrational one tells me that their bullshit shouldn’t dictate my actions and I should continue to be a good friend. I keep telling myself this long past what is healthy and sensible. And after I finally let go, I still struggle to stay away because, as I said, I don’t know how to go all in.

I’ve realized what my personality type is and how I approach friendships and relationships with friends or family will probably not change. This means that I will take disappointments hard and I need my time to grieve after each failed attempt. That’s ok. But, I still haven’t figured out when to start that grieving process at a suitable point in time. I haven’t figured out when to kick a toxic person out on their ass.

Ironically, though, I’ll be ready to kick out a good person. Take this for instance. One of my friends misinterpreted something I said. Rather, she chose to do so because she was in a bad mood and had had a trying previous few days. She reprimanded me 1) unnecessarily, and 2) in front of a group of people. My initial reaction was, “What the f**k was that?” I started thinking to myself I have to pull away, I’ve gotten to close to this person, they’re going to hurt me, we can be cordial, but we can’t be close friends. Then, I did what I often do not do in this situation. I stepped back and relaxed. I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad. The next morning, I told her I understood her frustrations and I forgave her. She was very apologetic. This was progress for me and I thought I had moved on. We hung out a few days later. I realized that I was holding back things I had planned to share (I had just had a breakthrough in group therapy). It took me a couple hours to tell myself to chill out and trust her. She had already apologized several more times during the day. I shared what was on my mind and I felt better. Later, she thanked me for not divorcing her as a friend. But, honestly, there was no reason to. A couple years ago, though, I wouldn’t have been able to get through such a situation nearly so quickly.

I realized that the toxic people that I have kept in my life, the ones that I still feel emotionally attached to, have made me afraid to trust the decent people that come my way. So, I’m more likely to push them away out of fear that they will hurt or leave me and instead stay with the people who DO hurt and leave me, thinking I can fix them. This is my safe place. But, really, it isn’t safe, is it? These actions also keep my depression and anxiety at a high.  I’ve realized that, while it might make me a little sad and restless, it’s healthier for me to have an evening home alone, then continue in relationships with people that are just complete shit. It’s a struggle, though!! Fortunately, this aspect of my life is a work in progress.

What’s your experience? Share with me?

20 thoughts on “Trust and Toxicity”

  1. I am so guilty of this! I finally became aware of it last year and have begin the learning process of letting go of the ones that don’t add value to my life. It’s so hard. I want to fix them but the cost is too great!

    Here’s hoping we both learn our self worth and how much we’re willing do to preserve it. 💓

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Unfortunately, there are some toxic relationships with members of my family. I can’t bring myself to put them away. Family is more important to me than friends, but not as nice as my few friends are. Mostly I find my comfort and companionship with my pets. Is that dysfunctional or what?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s hard to separate yourself from family, but I had to do it. Ultimately, it wasn’t healthy for various reasons. As far as friends go, I actually seem to have a more difficult time with that, but I’m getting better.

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  3. I am constantly doing this with my current relationship. Its over silly things most the time and afterwards he approaches me about it. It is nice to have people who will support you at the end of the day! He accepts me and knows how I can be. I think that those people will choose to be around you even when you try to cut them out. Which makes them good friends.

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      1. And because of mistrust…so many people will, and may, miss out on the most amazing true souls they could have been hoping to meet!? By the way, a couple of months back I took a peek at your pic…if that was, or is you, what a joyous smile you have! You could light the World with that smile! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Awwww, thank you! That made my whole day better!
        Yes, at this moment, I find myself afraid to trust because of recent relationships. It’s a difficult thing to overcome.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I have found that when people want nothing from you but who you are…they are the gems! Diamonds in the rough..just like us, perfect imperfections.Nothing less, Nothing more!☀️

        Liked by 1 person

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