My mind is going in several different directions and I do not know which way to follow it. I’m watching Thor: Ragnarok because I’ve seen it enough times to not care if I miss an important scene. To not care if I don’t see every moment. Enough to not get emotionally invested and somehow, ironically, be alone with my thoughts.
I have not slept. I am tired.
In other news, I had a fantastic day. I did an awesome with a nonprofit I belong to. Yet, I’m struck with that feeling I sometimes get after everything good. Coming home to an empty apartment. Loneliness. A sense that my accomplishments something seem to mean very little in the grand scheme of things.
In my new and progressive state, I know all of this to not be true. I know that I’ve done a good thing. But, we are cruel to ourselves and the deep-seated negativity in my soul desires to bring me down below not only my accomplishments, but below my pen expectations. Below my own greatness. How do I fight this? I do not know. I’ve never known.
It’s strange. It’s not terrible to be alone. In fact, most of the day, I longed to get back to my sofa to laze away the rest of the evening because I had not slept the night before. I wanted to be alone, to relax and sleep. Now, I’m alone, awake, and anxious. The mind never ceases to perform tricks.
Perhaps if I focus on a Hiddleston or a Hemsworth, perhaps I can pull myself out of this momentary funk. Always loved a white boy with pretty eyes.
It seems to be the fate of some to bounce between our own, often hidden, greatness and the our vile, negative headspace.