Mental Health, Random

D-Day

Today was my final day of group therapy and I have been officially discharged from intensive outpatient therapy.

When I first was admitted, of my own volition, I was in the throes of deep depression and anxiety. I had long since detached emotionally from just about everything – work, friends, family, life in general. I could not even feel happy to see a person I genuinely liked or cared for. I felt nothing. I had stopped dating, due to being deeply hurt by someone. I thought to myself, that I should get back out into the pool. I met a man that made me want to feel things again, that made me want to be vulnerable to someone. Then, he hurt me too, and I retreated back into myself, faded into black.

I was feeling guilt and anxiety over events long forgotten about. My mind would wake from sleep and automatically say, “Remember that thing you did ten years ago when you were in college?” or, “Remember that thing you said when you were 8?” and so on, so forth. I would remember all the vivid details of that moment. Every movement. Every word. All aspects of the surroundings. I would feel all of the guilt I had felt, or should have felt, then. I felt it to the point that I was giving myself panic attacks, feeling my heart’s increasing rhythm, my chest tightening, my blood pressure rising. I was stuck in the do-loop of rumination and obsessive thinking.

Tonight, after six weeks of intensive therapy, I feel more like myself than I have felt in probably the last year and a half. I feel confident in the future. I have hope in it.

I was not coalesced into therapy. I wanted to go. As bad as my depression had been in the past, it had never been like this. I had never felt so void of feeling. I lacked care and pride, So, I told my therapist that I thought I needed to check myself in somewhere – an idea that might seem daunting and incomprehensible to most. But, I needed, I yearned, to feel better, and because I accept my mental health for what it is, without the usual social stigmas, I was happy to do something extra, for my own sake.

Of course, I was resistant at first, as I always am, due to my impatient, analytical nature. There were things that I expected therapy to be that it was not. As such, my agitation would surpass the need to just listen and learn. But, over time, I relaxed, was educated, and, though not cured, on a path out of the dark.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” The Serenity prayer. I’ve always despised it, a feeling perhaps inherent in my own nature, because I do not like to think that I cannot change something. I like to be able to control my life. In time, though, even I have learned to start understanding and accepting that I cannot control everything. There is no sense making myself miserable trying to.

I am in a good place, one that I’ve never been in during this years long journey through mental illness. This is not a journey that will ever end, for certain, but it is the first time I have left somewhere feeling that I would not have to go back, feeling like I had made significant progress and my outlook on the future was a positive one. Tomorrow will be kinder (great song, by the way).

Our minds are precious. Look after yours.

9 thoughts on “D-Day”

  1. Sweetie, I had no idea you were/are having to deal with this. I sure hope you can continue on the good path home to a healthier happier life. You are too good of a person to have to go through this, but you saw the issue and attacked it. I love you, this is all!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I completely understand the need for help. I had to reach that point to understand and I did as you did; I told my doctor.

    Anxiety and OCD are my constant companions. I was sliding down a steep hill toward making a decision that horrifies me today.

    I call that progress! I am so glad that you reached out. Too many leave us rather than ask for help and fight their way back. We are survivors!! #NoStigma!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m very happy at the way this personal outpouring has resonated with people. It’s funny, some folks commented to be in private. But, I hope it encourages others to share the ups and downs of the journey. It’s an ongoing one.

      Like

      1. I hid my struggles for a long time. I stopped myself one day and asked why. And I didn’t have an answer. So I stopped. I’m going to live loud and proud and be who I am. I just happen to have mental illness. I’m still a great friend, a so-so sister, a fiercely devoted daughter, and a big hearted dog lover. Mental illness changes none of that. And it doesn’t define me.

        I’m glad to have “found” you to support you in your journey! It’s worth it!!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s