What ails you, sir?
Your pallor is suddenly ashen
Are you afraid that I might cure you?
That I might feed you passion?
That I might love you
And that you might be well?
Why seek out my remedy
Then set me aside?
Did you not realize that you wish to be ill?
‘Tis simpler… Isn’t it?



I am the rare bird
The white rhino
An oliphaunt

The mythical bitch of dreams

I am what you seek
Your ongoing quest
Within reach and real

Too real for reality

I am different
Not normal

You fear me
Despite being in awe of me

Back away slowly…

Am I not meant to be found?
Am I not meant to be had?
Am I merely a quest of proof
To be chartered on a page
Before it’s turned and forgotten?

Turn around
Walk away
Tuck me away as a moment
One that could’ve been forever

Who will love me
Before I meet extinction?
Who will love me
Before I choose conformity?
Who will love me for me
Before I become not so rare?


The Stranger

Water ripples down the hot sidewalk
Sizzling in the summer heat
It reminds me of the sweat snaking your spine
As you looked into my eyes
Told me you loved me
The lightheadedness I feel from the sun
Is comparable to my climax in your arms
I must be sated
Where is the water?
Where are you?
Sun be damned
Damn you, too
I’ll sit under this tree
Befriend shade and shadow
When you’re done basking in the heat
Wearing a hat to hide your eyes
And the lies you told me
I’ll be here in the dark

I know what you look like
When the sun doesn’t make you sparkle

I know you


Joker/Life Updates

Last we see each other
Was the last I saw your face

That night…
I both cherish and hate it
I had you again
I lost you again
Just as quickly
Because you were never meant to be mine

I am your friend
Your silent lover
Your forever secret
I am the background
Watching and caring for you
While you live in the foreground
With someone else

She does not know
She never will know
You will not tell her

Finally, you have admitted love
It was all I needed
To realize I do not want it

You are comfortable
Now I see, also cowardly

I was distraught
Now I see, decadent

Last we saw each other
Was the last I saw your face
You paint your face for the world
You pretend it is your real face
But, I know who you are
I’ve always seen you

Will she?
Will you?

I thank everyone who has continued to follow me through this last year where I’ve been nearly out of my mind. Not just my close friends, but the ones in my WP family who have become dear (I love you, Ruth!). This poem represents a couple days of epiphanies. I have always struggled to know my own self-worth, my own goodness. To know that I am deserving of proper treatment and respect. This weekend a man that I loved (and admittedly still love) finally told me, after 2.5 years that he loved me back. His girlfriend of now almost two years was standing about 5 feet away… It was the one thing I had wanted to hear from him. Over the course of the next couple days, though, I realized… that it was not the kind of love I wanted. He keeps me a secret from her because he’s afraid of losing her. He’s afraid of losing me, so he strings me along. He keeps me a secret from everyone. Even if he does truly love me, is that really the kind of love that I want? No. And I realize that I’ve subjected myself to this over and over again. I’ve loved men who have loved me back, but have been too scared of being with me, or too comfortable in relationships that they (obviously) didn’t want to be in to be with me. And I’ve been consistently left alone, while being told how awesome and amazing I am. While being friend zoned. While constantly being told I’m needed, but never feeling wanted. I’m finally done. I’m a few days shy of my 33rd birthday and I realize that I deserve to have people in my life that aren’t afraid to love me – not just men, but friends and family. I deserve people who love me unconditionally, accept me for who I am.

I have two engineering degrees – a rarity for a black woman. I was the first black and the youngest President of the Board of Directors of the Craven Arts Council and Gallery in New Bern, NC (look it up!). I made friends with the mayor there. I am the Commanding Officer of a Star Trek Club and a Starfleet International Captain. I’m in Star Trek fan films and have my own IMDb page (look it up!). There are people that love and care about me and I live a pretty cool life, even if some changes are needed. I’m pretty fucking awesome. I just needed an asshat to tell me he loved me to realize it… Now, I want nothing more to do with him, or any of them.

Love to you all!! I will work on being more frequent again. Challenge me, please, with prompts, etc.



The solitary woman plays solitaire
On the weathered foldout table
She keeps where she can watch the sunset
Draw three?
Draw one?
Withered hands on automatic
Move the cards
Reset the deck
Over and over
To find that card, this card
A card she needs to move forward
Peripherally, she sees children laughing
Lovers kissing
People living
There is the man that used to love her
She drew one
He has found another woman
Another deck
She resets her deck again
Jokers with wide, acidic smiles
Spectators in this game
Gaze knowingly
Ha, ha, ha
The hilarity of it all hits her
The futility of it all breaks her
This is absurd
This joke has no punchline
She laughs until she cries
She has dealt herself a safe hand
An unwinnable hand
No time to reset
Ha, ha, ha



Mr. Cellophane walks alone
Passes through crowded streets unknown
Walked around and through
Collided with
But still unseen

He has a “wife”
He has “friends”
He has pretend things
A childhood game of make-believe
That took on an all-to-real adult persona
Faceless in the city streets

He is the painted clown
Sent in for your amusement
Is his expression real?
You wonder
But, don’t care

Mr. Cellophane
You look right through him

I am his mistress
His transparent follower
Pining after even his attention
If I paint my face, too
Would he want me?
If I get a little prettier
Could I be his baby?

If he does not see me
How could you even spare a thought for me?



Surrounded by greens and blues
An idyllic landscape
In a fantasized utopia
That is almost real
It brushes the soft tips of my fingers
Like a feather
Like a dream I just barely remember

Even near this paradise
A life-giving generous oasis
My mind looks into mirrors upon mirrors
The dark side reflected
The shadow that is my own face
Dissatisfaction creeps
My form
My figure
My function
My forced reality
My fearful asymmetry
Futile, it seems

When occupied
I am a goddess
I am purple personified
Elegant, regal, spectacular
Fascinating and fascinated
For a quick, subtle moment
The mind is idle
Then, all at once focused and unfocused
Blurred memories, dreams, and speculations

The dammed tears
Threaten their damned barriers
Fueled by a past that cannot be helped
A future that is unknown
A present that cannot be embraced


The sun rises
I am smiling again
I have forgotten
For the moment
The things no one remembers
The things no one yet knows
I am happy

Sunflowers bloom in the distance
I am black
I am yellow
I am wistful
I am hopeful
I exist
I am
I am not


Black Garden

I don’t want it to be true
I don’t want to love you
I don’t want the memory of you
Beside me
On top of me
In me
I don’t want to remember
Your eyes as we gazed upon each other
In the afterglow
I don’t want to remember
your sweat mingled with mine
I don’t want to remember
That final kiss before you slept

Do you remember
The scent of my skin?

Do you remember
How you felt between my thighs?

Do you remember
Those special smiles
The ones that were just for you?

Do you remember
What I cannot forget?

Do I want to forget?
Indeed, I do.

My eyes are dull and gray
The roses that bloomed between my thighs
Have wilted and grown thorny
Entry not allowed in this dead garden
There is much pain beyond the gate
Passion is dead
What once was wet for you
Turns to ash on the tongue
My heart and legs are closed
They only drip with blood

Do I want to forget?
I grow weary of remembering
But, then I recall the scent of you
The feel of you
The smiles that were just for me
And I know I will not

Who will care for this black garden?
Who will nurture the dead?


Swans at Crossroads

Here she is at the edge of the tunnel
A crossroads on a narrow path
Sun on asphalt
Eyes adjusting to the bright
She teases the wind with a finger
Now two
She can’t tell its direction
She is scared
A small step back
Into darkness
Into comfort
There she does not have to wonder at her shadow
At the future it foretells
There she does not have to wonder at her greatness
At what she could be
At what she already is
But won’t let anyone see
She could stay here…
She fears the light shed on her scars
Her idiosyncracies laid bare
There are cracks in her skin
A needle and thread in her heart
This quirky, patchwork woman may frighten you
She frightens me…
When reflected upon broken glass
Muddied puddles
But, she is glorious art
She has Mona Lisa’s subtle smile
Exudes the sexuality of Venus
Stepping out from her dank isolation
She sparkles in sunlight
She has little confidence
Feels inadequate
But knows she must change
Choose a path
You will be mesmerized by her performance
Enthralled by her dance
See the black swan transform
See the white swan embrace herself


Movie Depth: Solo: A Star Wars Story

One of my intentions with this blog was to do movie reviews, among a myriad of other things that I’ve been neglecting. Lauren is slowly coming back into herself and I’m working on writing more on a little of everything. I thank my dedicated, patient followers. Anyway, this seemed like a good one to start the reviews back up with…

So, I decided on a quiet Saturday. I was going to continue watching Season 3 of The Original Series of Star Trek, but then thought, hey… Avengers: Endgame comes out and I have Thursday night tickets so, let me do an Marvel Cinematic Universe marathon. Went on Netflix and saw that Solo: A Star Wars Story was on and that whole plan went to hell.

I’m glad I didn’t see this one in the theaters. It wasn’t a bad film, but it was deeply underwhelming. It seemed like one of those prequels made solely to throw out Easter eggs for the fan base. My list of thoughts are below.


  1. Ok, the backstory was decent. An orphan turned smuggler – I buy that. Not as grandiose a background as I might’ve hoped for, but I’ll take it.
  2. So, his name is “Solo” because an Imperial Officer that he was being clever? Come on… That’s on the level of “it takes Juan to know Juan.”
  3. Given how arrogant Han initially was about his relationship with Leia and how he was portrayed about only caring about himself, I found it difficult to believe that he cared so deeply for someone before that, i.e. Qi’ra. But again, I can go with it.
  4. Thandie Newton killed that ish. Girl went out like a soldier.
  5. Han disobeys orders which leads the crew to losing the shipment of coaxium in their fight against Enfys Nest. Beckett’s wife Val has literally just died for the cause. If you were Beckett, wouldn’t you have killed Han instead of apologizing for punching him in the face? Yeah, me too.
  6. Wait, wait, wait!! Qi’ra is just conveniently with Dryden Vos who Beckett is working for???? Shenanigans. (Nice cameo by Paul Bettany, by the way. In fact, the whole cast was quite superb despite the garbage pile of a script.)
  7. Ill-placed, somewhat cute emphasis on what a “good guy” Solo is. He isn’t, though. He’s not a bad guy, but he isn’t good. Again, given what we’ve seen him, I don’t believe that he would be so willing to help Enfys Nest’s cause except as anything, but an afterthought.
  8. Don’t trust anyone. True.
  9. Lando wears capes. Also, he apparently used to wear his hair natural? I wonder at what point int he Rebellion he decided he needed to change it up? (Kind of like Black Widow being blonde in Infinity War – did that piss anyone else off?)
  10. I wonder if, when the original story was written in the 70s, anyone really thought about what the Kessel Run was supposed to be…
  11. I think I would’ve shown significantly more devastation if the love I’d been chasing after for three years abandoned me for the Sith for her own survival. I mean, how can you misjudge someone so egregiously? Also, where was she in The Phantom Menace?
  12. Anyone else feel like Han and Lando ended this movie with no foundation of a relationship whatsoever? Maybe a casual, cordial tolerance at best. Not enough for Lando to later welcome Han to Cloud City. Of course, he betrayed him, but than he helped save him afterwards and I’m just not buying that Lando would even remotely care for anyone’s cause but his own. Lando literally said, “I hate you” and bounced. Speaking of Lando, was he in love with L3 or what was the deal there?
  13. I did like that they threw in a throwback to Lando (or rather Billy Dee Williams) mispronouncing Han. That always bothered me in the original films.
  14. Anyone else notice Ron Howard’s little brother? Again? (Dude’s in everything.)
  15. Han shot first. You saw it. I saw it. That was a nice throw-in for the fans of the original cut in A New Hope that shows Han shooting Greedo first. See… he’s not a good guy. He’s a survivor, too…

All in all, I didn’t feel like this movie really set one up for A New Hope even though the events are supposed to be about ten years prior. The pieces were there. Obviously, Han and Chewy were leaving to find Jabba on Tatooine. But, after doing a little for the cause, why go to the smuggler life? To prove he’s not a good guy? He didn’t convince me either way. And Disney is not convincing me that they can handle any of this.

Overall rating: Meh.

I can do a review for Us (which I saw Sunday), Avengers: Endgame (which I will see Thursday night), or The Last Jedi (because it relates to this and I have a full-blown rant). What do you like?